Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My City

Well it's da Jax once more. Like it could be anyone else. I want to talk about my city. I was on Louisville Mojo and seen a joke(its in here) about the city and I wanted to include it in a blog somehow. I'm going off the seat of my pants here so dont expect it to be pretty. THis is actually a rush job. I may not like the end result so lets just call this My City part 1. THe thread in refernce was started by someone who was writting a report of Louisvilles stereotypes and shit like that. I know one stereo type that exist out of state is that everyone owns a horse(primarally for racing, duh) Everytime I'm out of state I get some dummy to ask me or us that. Obviouslly they dont know how city-like Louisville is and that as far as I know, not many black people own or race horses. I know, it's hard to believe I like vehicular performance and think Donks are a waste of space but even I wouldnt expect a black guy to have a horse unless used in their hair. Well the other part is that we're cousin-kissin country bumpkins who must get free cigarettes and bourbon just for living here. Only true Kentuckians know that claim to fame belongs to the likes of Owensboro, Fairdale, probably Paduca and a few other surronding areas.

Now speaking of just Louisville IT seems like nomatter what anyone else thinks we just happened to be good enough for our own line of Barbie dolls. I mean when considering all of Kentucky where else would you live?

St Matthews Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at The Mall St Matthews. She comes with an assortment of Prada Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version

Lyndon Barbie
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately

Middletown Barbie
This is an upgrade to the St Matthews Barbie. Accessories include the SUV with an extra large gas tank

Portland Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Anchorage Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them

Okolona Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes toosmall, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely

Glenmary Barbie
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available

Fairdale Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Okolona Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home

The Highlands Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll,but if you purchase two Main Street Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free

Newburg Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant

Shively Barbie
Not much different from Fairdale Barbie - instead of the trailer, she comes with bingo chips and a rosary. We don't know where Ken is 'cause he's always hunting

Main Street Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts

Old Louisville Barbie
her pale skin and multiple facial piercings tell you at a glance she could only be Old Louisville Barbie! Fully equipped with Chuck Taylors, torn fishnets and a two tone bad dye job for retro authenticity. When stood erect, her eyes will take on an actual vacant blank stare, just like the real thing! Mag Bar playhouse sold separately

7th Street Barbie
Looking for company or just an easy lay? 7th Street Barbie has all that you would expect from a trashy slut. Miniature clear Lucite stripper shoes, matching G-string and fright wig hair. Purse includes a fistful of crumpled one dollar bills. Comes with brass pole and stage set. S-10 pickup with one broken headlight and duct taped passenger side window sold separately

Yep I think I may end this right here. This should be funny even if you have know idea of what Lou,ky is like. Just for the shear fact every city is like this, just about. but be sure to click on the tittle its a special link. I promise my next post will be up a gear.

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