Tuesday, July 6, 2010

101 of the Worlds Funniest One Liners

I had picked up this booklet and some of them are pretty funny. Sadly, it was one of those lil christian booklet things like sometimes left sticking out of your screen door or under your windshield wiper.

  1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  2. Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back
  3. Time is what keeps things happening from all at once.
  4. Lottery: A tax on people bad at math.
  5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  6. Never answer an anonymoud letter.
  7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
  8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
  10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
  11. If we aren't supossed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  14. We have had enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
  15. He who laupghs last thinks slowest.
  16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes
  17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
  18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
  20. Why is "Abbreviation" such a long word?
  21. Nuke the Whales.
  22. I started out with nothing  and I still have most of it.
  23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  26. As long as there are test, there will be prayer in public school.
  27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  29. The severity of the itch is inversly proportional the the ability to reach it.
  30. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  31. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.
  32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.
  37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  38. Eat right, stay fit. Die anyway.
  39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  42. I've only been wrong once and thats when I thought I was wrong.
  43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
  44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
  45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
  46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
  47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
  48. National Athiest Day: April 1st.
  49. All generalizations are false.
  50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
  52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
  53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticsim.
  54. IRS: We got what it takes to take what you've got.
  55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
  57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  58. No matter where yo go, you're there.
  59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
  60. It's been Monday all week.
  61. Gravity always gets me down.
  62. This statement is false.
  63. Eschew obfuscacation.
  64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
  65. It's bad luck to be superstistious.
  66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
  67. The word "Gullible" isn't in th dictionary.
  68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
  69. The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG! it happened.
  70. Athiesim is a non-prophet organization.
  71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  72. Save the Whales. Collect the whole set.
  73. A day without sunshine is like night.
  74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
  76. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
  77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
  78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die.
  79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
  80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
  81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
  82. The last thing on earthyou want to do will be the last thing you do.
  83. IF ignorance is bliss, then tourist are in a constant state of euphoria.
  84. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
  85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
  86. If Barbie is so popular, why do have to buy her friends?
  87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
  89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard drive?
  90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  91. I used to have an open mind but my brain kept falling out.
  92. Enigzer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
  93. I didn't used to finish sentances, but now I
  94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
  95. Bille travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  96. Vacation begins when dad says; "I know a short cut."
  97. Evolution: True science fiction.
  98. Whats another word for "Thesaurus"?
  99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  101.  I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

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