Monday, May 17, 2021

Is It In Me?

I’ve been thinking of how to put this… I think I’m scarred from past relationships, and the worst break-up, though not the worst relationship ended in 2014, and I just completely got over that one, like, maybe two… three years ago, like 98%. I enjoy sex, I see women and guys I’d like to hook up with, or am curious about actually dating. Currently I feel like I have no sex drive, but it could be the situation I’m in. In a way I still feel the joys and whatnot of dating, however there is this other feeling; not love, maybe lack of feeling. It’s kinda fucked up, since along with being pansexual, I’m also polyamorous- then again; it’s fucked up how hard it is for me to find people to date, much less lay.

I think I’m losing my ability to love. No, I’m not one of those weird Ace people; I still retain normal human things, like a sex drive and physical, sexual attraction to people. I’m just not sure if I can love them anymore. I don’t know what to call it, I’m sure there will be some new age sjw bullshit term for it, if there isn’t one already. I’m not feeling it, sometimes I think I am, other times not so much. I wonder if I am even capable anymore. Even without a sex drive, I see people I wanna fuck, I might even get an erection writing erotica. The funny thing is I might see somebody I have the desire or fantasy about dating, yet I don’t feel any love. I don’t think it’s the current situation either, sometimes I think about past failed relationships, I already have no interest in living with people unless they are my two kids. Maybe this is another paradigm shift, for me mentally. I don’t wanna throw random stuff out that’ll make people think it correlates, when it doesn’t, about other aspects of my life.

On top of what seems like a failing heart; what is the point of pursuing those who’ll never return the favor? Is this some kind of duality, wanting somebody one thinks they can love with the failing ability, who doesn’t want you? I am trying my best to make sense of it all, the desire of people I can’t love, wanting more than simply coitus. Once again, there is nobody to discuss this with personally. I don’t want to do this anymore, all these stacked issues, I’m tired of existing, personally, I don’t want to be here. I can’t find a decent mental state. I’m my own damn curse; pansexual and nobody wants me, polyamorous and can hardly love. Even if I still had the capacity, there’s little use for it, neither does anybody share my desire, on the chance we court. This is falling apart like my life, so I leave it at this.