Is It In Me?

I’ve been thinking of how to put this… I think I’m scarred from past relationships, and the worst break-up, though not the worst relationship ended in 2014, and I just completely got over that one, like, maybe two… three years ago, like 98%. I enjoy sex, I see women and guys I’d like to hook up with, or am curious about actually dating. Currently I feel like I have no sex drive, but it could be the situation I’m in. In a way I still feel the joys and whatnot of dating, however there is this other feeling; not love, maybe lack of feeling. It’s kinda fucked up, since along with being pansexual, I’m also polyamorous- then again; it’s fucked up how hard it is for me to find people to date, much less lay.

I think I’m losing my ability to love. No, I’m not one of those weird Ace people; I still retain normal human things, like a sex drive and physical, sexual attraction to people. I’m just not sure if I can love them anymore. I don’t know what to call it, I’m sure there will be some new age sjw bullshit term for it, if there isn’t one already. I’m not feeling it, sometimes I think I am, other times not so much. I wonder if I am even capable anymore. Even without a sex drive, I see people I wanna fuck, I might even get an erection writing erotica. The funny thing is I might see somebody I have the desire or fantasy about dating, yet I don’t feel any love. I don’t think it’s the current situation either, sometimes I think about past failed relationships, I already have no interest in living with people unless they are my two kids. Maybe this is another paradigm shift, for me mentally. I don’t wanna throw random stuff out that’ll make people think it correlates, when it doesn’t, about other aspects of my life.

On top of what seems like a failing heart; what is the point of pursuing those who’ll never return the favor? Is this some kind of duality, wanting somebody one thinks they can love with the failing ability, who doesn’t want you? I am trying my best to make sense of it all, the desire of people I can’t love, wanting more than simply coitus. Once again, there is nobody to discuss this with personally. I don’t want to do this anymore, all these stacked issues, I’m tired of existing, personally, I don’t want to be here. I can’t find a decent mental state. I’m my own damn curse; pansexual and nobody wants me, polyamorous and can hardly love. Even if I still had the capacity, there’s little use for it, neither does anybody share my desire, on the chance we court. This is falling apart like my life, so I leave it at this.

Surprise Awakening

There she was, standing there when I woke up, just staring at me. I don't know where she came from, but there she was.

"Your girlfriend found you talking to me last night, apparently at your house party and you had passed out, doing so. Or so I was told. She gave me your address, said I could have you, and that she was leaving.  Since you're so bold... show me what you're worth... all that talk."

 What could I do... but do it. There she is, standing there, judging and horny, looking all delicious. I'm not going to turn down an offer with a hot trans chick. I rolled over on the bed, sitting up and took her beautiful uncut dick in her mouth. She smelled of lavender and blueberries. She didn't say anything as I started to suck. Once she was hard, grabbed my head, pulled it in, shoving it down my throat, with a hip thrust;  rammed my head and pushing me on the bed.

"So far, not impressed. Yeah it gets hard if touched, but whatever.  What dick doesn't? For a guy who wanted me so bad; you aren't trying."

"Didn't she send you here for sex," I asked.

"She did," with her hands on her hips again. "Sex and to have you, she read everything. Say hello to your new girlfriend, you remember, right?"

"Damn. For real?  And you're just okay with this shit?"

"I might not have known you were with somebody, but I still want you. Do you still want me, or nah? My feelings aren't as strong as when I found out you were cheating, so why don't you change that... or is this a mistake of many to come?"

"Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth," I walked towards her.

Placing a hand on her face pulling her in for a kiss, leading with an open mouth, her tongue went deep in mine, they waged a battle of passion. When we broke, she seemed at a loss for breath. Pulling me closer, back in to another kiss, raging stiff cock stabbing me in mine, catching my belt. She looked down at the discomfort and swiftly undid my pants. Much better, it slides between my thigh and balls, mine has been pressed against her stomach. As we kiss and suck on each others lips, I felt her hump me slightly, her cock sliding just in and out between my thighs.

"So far, so good," she whispered.

Her areola look even better in person, so giving in my mouth, turning us, I laid her on the bed, running my tongue over every square inch of her  chest, as it rises and falls. I can't help but bite those soft puffs A whimper and a quiver falls from her, more she begs.  So easily they give between my teeth, my tongue plays with her nipples. Nipping at her flesh, a yelp each time until I'm low enough her cock is resting next to her cheek. Slowly I tilt my head, running my mouth up her shaft, guiding it in with my tongue. My lips grasp hard,  a sigh of relief escapes her mouth, pleasure from my work. My tongue glides on her shaft.

"Oh... mm-hmm."

"Mm-hmm," I returned.

Her tip starts to touch the back of my throat and it's like it grew or swelled a bit, throbbing every time I deep throat. Drool starts to run to her balls. What little foreskin is still loose, feels good rolling on my tongue. Her breath quickens before her hands lift my head.

"I don't want to cum yet, baby. God I wished you bottomed," she panted.

"Even if I did, you'd be too big," I smiled.

"With that mouth, I know your ass is great. It's my turn."

She lays me down finally giving my waiting cock the attention it wanted. Oh it was good.  The way she twisted her head with the reciprocating bob.

"Damn, boo... this thing is thick."

Back to it; slurping hard, sucking hard, I can't keep from throbbing my dick in her mouth. I just love watching her, hair falling all around, dancing. She keeps trying to go deeper and deeper, I see the drool and phlem coating my piece. So good, this might work out after all.

"Damn. I'm gonna hafta work on you, some more, shit. I want that thing down my throat, choked good. You want this ass?"

"How you want it, girl," I asked.

"Real easy with that monster, open me up real good."

"Hop on top, then, that way you got control."

She straddled on top of me, hand around the base, guiding it in. The look on her face was so cute when the tip was pressing on her tight little hole. Biting her lower lip, pushing it in with a grunt of relief. She twisted her hips on the first few inches, slowly working her way down. The lower she got, the further open her mouth got. Her ass was planted on my thighs with a heavy moan.

"You like that, sexy?"

"I feel it spreading my walls deep," she started rocking.

Rocking and grinding, her cock now hard as hell, waving at me slightly, if my mouth could reach. I grab two handfulls of her tits, rubbing and squeezing, pinching her nipples. She slides foward and slams her ass back, "fuck" falls out of her mouth, doing it again and again as her voice starts to break and contort to yelps, I squeeze and push her tits in to her chest. I push my hips up right as she starts to cum, her cock tightened up with her ass, she dribbled a little precum, resting on me, catching her breath.

"You done already, the way you tightened up, I was getting close."

"I'm not done yet. She's ready for you now, got her nice and open," she eased off.

Planting herself on all fours, I straddled her, sticking my tongue in her slightly gaped hole, licking and stabbing before sticking her good, sliding in balls deep. Her arms fall as I start to ram her hard.

"Uh god, fuck, fuck, yes, fuck!"

My hands didn't know where to go, it was all too good.  From her ass to her hips, was good, going in and out full length, watching her rock back and fourth, grabbing the pillow, screaming in it. My balls slapping hers, she pulled her face free with a gasp. I pulled out and turned her over, lifting her legs, slipping back in. I kissed her, she tightened up that hole while she sucked on my tongue. Slow easy thrust inside her.

"If I can't fuck your ass, can I fuck your mouth?"

"Sure."

We continued to kiss, pressed close, my long stroke was feeling good and I couldn't hold it much longer, her arms holding me down, her hole holding my cock as best it can.

"Cum, baby,  I want it all in me," she begged.

I stopped holding back, I wanted to make her cum one more time, I know what she wanted though. I sunk my teeth in her shoulder as she cried to bring it, and let it all loose.  I lay there panting, my cock throbs and jumps in her by itself like there was more to go. Strength mustered, rolling off her triumphant, she was still hard from the motions, gathering herself up, planting her ass in my face, she stuck her cock in my mouth and slowly fucked my face. My cum ever so slightly leaking out of her ass. Closer and closer her tip reaches my throat, the faster she goes, I see the shaft in and out, trying to time my breath to her strokes, thinking I should let her fuck me so I can breath. My hands glide up her body, back down to her ass. Maybe next time she can, maybe I can get used to it. Too late to turn back; I feel her dick tighten up as her moans get louder. I want that cum in my mouth.

"I'm about to cum! Shit! Ugghhhnnn fuck!"

I feel its heat. Liquid heat down my throat. She jerks and shudders, pulling it out far enough to fill my mouth, with a few jerky pumps down my throat, before she  slumps over and joins me.

We lay together, kissing here and there, tired, relieved.

"So she saw everything?"

"Yep," she sighed.

"Hmmm..."

"I don't regret this, if anything I got awesome sex out of it. So where ever we stand, I'm good, but if you're just going to do me like her, you won't see me again."

"I'm willing to see where this goes, and if you don't believe me; I will try to bottom next time. All that talking, we connect real well."

"Sounds good, I'll hold you to it."

"Shower and food?"

"Yeah... and maybe round two later."

Brood Love

I wrote this for BGC Live. I kinda like it, I mean It's just a short story or flash fiction or whatever you wanna call it.

I see this guy in school all the time. I haven't a clue what's wrong with him. Seriously, he's got a nice car and seems like he'd be a nice guy but he seems so blah. I've been watching him for a while, I think he's cute but I don't know if he's even gay. He keeps to himself and doesn't talk much. Ah dunno, tomorrow we're gonna see...

So, I'm sitting here in the school lot in my car and...wait here he comes in his Vista Cruiser. Gotta make sure I walk with him. Wow, okay so he's like all gothed out, fucking sexy

"Hey, what's up bra?" I asked him.

"Not much, you're Clark right?" Asked Zane.

"Yeah, that's me. So a new style or something?" I asked.

"Not really, I just decided to dress how I feel." Said Zane.

"So like the Goth thing, reflects you. Cool yo." I said.

"Yeah, I figure it's best." Said Zane.

We parted ways to homeroom. Damn he is cute. I want him so bad. Later on I see him in the hallway walking with just true disdane for life.

"Hey, whassup?" I greeted him.

"Uh, not much." Zane said without lifting his head.

I'm trying to make friends with him but it's like he really doesn't care. Honestly I think he needs a friend. I'm not captain save-a-ho but he's fuckin sexy...

It's been like a month and a half and progress is like blah. It's like he doesn't even acknowledge me. He notices me, just not acknowledges me. Till tat day in english when we was working on our portfolio's. He was writing a helluva poem. That and by the stories he wrote and books he read, tells a lot. He let me read his poem and I just wanted to cry. Then as I was leaving the school he was in his car...

"Oh my god, why do exist? I mean I have no friends. I used to have friends back in the day.(Sniff) I am so lonely(Sniff), it's like nobody wants me no matter what. Look at me, who would want me?(Sob) I'm so-ho fu-fuckin(Sob) ugly(sniff). I must be an accident, there's no way(sob) I was supposed to be made, unless(sniff) I was to tak all the worlds negative energy..." Cried Zane.

I watched him in sadness. I pulled up beside him and blew my horn.

"Hey man, you aieght?" I asked.

"I'm good." Said Zane.

"Man, you can talk to me." I replied.

"Look, I just don't really feel like it. Why would you or anyone else give me the time of day?" Questioned Zane.

"Dude, what's wrong?" I demanded.

"No body want's me. I don't fit in with anybody. I try and fit in and try to be me. I figure i I was like a tough guy or something it'd be different. Nothing changes." Said Zane starting to cry.

"I'm sorry dawg, I seen you crying and wanted to know what was up. leme know if you wanna chill sometimes, here's my number." I said.

So like not much had changed. for the rest of the week till like one day we was talking in english class. During one break for class change I followed him in to the bathroom. He started talking about how he wanted to kill himself, and wished he was dead. I grabbed him and kissed him and his eye's got all big.

"What the fuck dawg? Why would you do that?" Zane demanded.

"Cause, you shouldn't be that way." I said pushing him on the wall by the sinks.

I kissed him again and he closed his eye's. I had my arms around him and he did the same. I pressed my lips on his and sucked on his bottom lip. He grabbed the sink. I let go and walked away. Zane stood there like he didn't know what to do. Later on I saw him sitting on his hood smoking.He couldn't make heads or tails of what happened in the bathroom. We sat and talked and as he talked about the girls he had crushes on and how he often screwed stuff up. How sad he is. I told him how he made me fall in love with him. His sadness brought me to him and he wanted to know more about why I kissed him like I did and how he liked it. So we sat there through the rest of sixth period talking. As we sat on his hood smoking he looked at me and said he wanted to kiss. So I leant forward and pressed my lips on his. Then after a while I gave him some tongue and he gave it back.

"This is what I'm talking about, Clark." Said Zane.

"Yeah, I love it too." I said.

He started to french kiss me and feel on my chest and stomach. I laid him down and kissed him some more as he felt my chest and ran his hands up and down my back.

"Boyfriends?" Asked Zane.

"You can count on it" I said going in for more.

We sat an made out all the way till school let out. Giving a few students and staff a nice show. So not much has changed in our lives except we have each other. You can catch us making out in the hall against lockers. They try and break us apart and give us ISAP. Sometimes he has me pinned on the locker with a hand in my pants grabbing my ass. Whenever we are over each others house we make out like it's a cure for something. Like the time we were in his room in nothing but boxers, chest to chest. Our erect dicks pressed close together. One day we were really in to it. Zane started to suck on my tongue getting me hot. I sucked on his and nibbled on his neck. s he lay on top of me I start to play with his dick. He lifts my shirt to suck my nipples and as I get more hard he slowly strokes my dick while sucking on my bottom lip. I caress all of whats in my reach. We kiss and kiss plying with each others dick. It really get's him goin and it makes him happy.

A few stories

  So Heres a few stories I'm writing. I might post them here or my new blog Ah dunno. But Some of them I intend to make in to a book and the others I'm writing specifically for BGC Live.

Rayne Falls: Is about a college student in Velocity Ky who is a star racer trying to keep his tittle till he can go pro with the help of his friends and his new boyfriend. I''m writing this on just for BGC Live

Return of Black Vulcan: Statics having trouble with Livewire and a hero from the past returns to help. I hope to send this to D.C.

Devils Advocate: A womans raped by a mysterious creature in a Highlands dumpster in Louisville, KY and the child now in miccle school has to deal with night terrors and an anger problem in school. This  is also for BGC Live but it's also the only story I've written that takes place in Louisville, so far.

Zerophilia: Duh

Malice In Wonderland: I figure Alice In Wonderland and a few other stories are the perfect platform for something really dark, so I'm trying my best to keep it dark and keep my self out of holes and corners.

Street Rhapsody: Been writting this since high school. It involves including as many writing styles that I knew of at the time including comic.

I plan to try and get MIW and SR Published. Hopefully DC will use ROBV as an idea. So this is what I've been doing

Zerophilia: Moving On

  Jumper plays on the radio this afternoon as I lay in my bed. I have an extra eighty-five bucks to spend.It's like one o'clock so I throw my clothes back on and figure I'll treat my self and get my bike fixed up some. about two days ago I stripped it down to have the frame powder coated. A lot of the parts on it are black and I bought some more and found some more black parts. I checked my email and got an email from that message board I joined for that Zerophilia movie. I dunno, I was accepted after my... background check? Deal with that shit later. I gotta bike to deal with.

  Half way to the bike shop downtown, I get a phone call. "Whassup? You got the Jax."

  "I'm sorry. I thought this was Kiva's number, my bad." Said Nikki.

  "Nikki? What do you want?" I asked.

  "How do you know me? Are you a friend of Kiva?" Wondered Nikki.

  "I am Kiva, remember? What you want girl?" I scorned.

  "I gotta see you, we gotta talk. Where you at?" Nikki said frightened.

  "Look, I'm at, well on my way to take my bike to the shop downtown. I can't talk, smoke and push this bike down the street. Call me..." I said.

  "I'll be there. Your mom said you wasn't at home. Nice house by the way, all the junk was organized pretty well." Nikki said hanging up.

  So I'm standing here in this bike shop waiting for the powder coating to be finished when I hear the door. I look to see and some guy strolls in with a fixie. Nikki comes in behind him, looking around like some lost child in hopes of finding me. She looked like she was crying, I had had enough of that. God damn I want her still.

  "Is there a guy named Jax here? Please, I need him, where is he?" She sounded worried. "He promised he'd be here!"

  She started walking towards the counter. I told the guy at the counter I'd be back for my bike  soon. When she walked to the counter I hugged her. "I missed you Nikki." We walked outside and I lit up a smoke.

  "Look, I don't know what you are. I googled your so-called disease and got a lot of that movie we watched. I want a better explanation about it.What are you? Tell me." Explained Nikki.

  "Look, I told you. I'm a zerophiliac. I didn't know it till like a few weeks ago when I decided to stop taking this medication that was stopping the ability. I wouldn't call it a disease but ah dunno. I been getting help from the psychiatrist that had prescribed the medication. No my mama don't know about me not taking it either." I explained.

  "Why didn't you tell me. at first? I felt like I loved you and then you start growing a dick. That shit freaked me the fuck out. I'm a lesbian, I don't want dick near my pussy." Said Nikki.

  "I know that we are to be kept somewhat a secret from the public by the government. I know that if I told you I was, you would probably think I was weird or something. Any way I tried to tell you when we was watching the movie and I wasn't purposefully trying to stick my dick in you. My psychiatrist  said I was goin through another puberty. I was stuck like that till it was over and now I can turn either way.

"It's still fuckin weird. I really don't know how hard it would be to deal with it. I couldn't tell you as much as you could explain this thing to me. I've cried, I still love Kiva-you Jax, I'm not even sure I even know you and I feel like this." Nikki told me.

  "It's like this; the only thing that changes is my appearance. My brain pretty much stays the same aside from a few girly mental things, Some feminine things get leftover and some masculine things get left over. My first time out as Kiva, I almost got raped he was stronger than me till I remembered I know mixed martial arts. Got away with only a headache from being drug up some steps by my hair." I said.

  "It's more the lie or secret than anything else. I can handle weird crazy shit more than you think." Said Nikki taking a puff off the cig I just lit.

  "Follow me tot his gas station down there. I wanna show you something." I told her.

  We went to the gas station and I went in to the bathroom and got Nikki to go in. I stripped my clothes off and she stood there staring at my body. "No wonder your clit is so big." she said. I smiled and changed myself to Kiva while talking to her. "I told you this is real, I can go either way and am willing to stay this way outside of home and my family for you, if you give me another chance." I tone changingly spoke. She watched me  go from Jax to Kiva as we both started to cry. "I don't know, I could get to know you. I would never tell you I love you if I didn't. We're gonna need to take some time." She said through the tears. I changed back and we walked back to the bike shop. I  got my frame and we went our separate ways.

  when I got home I finished checking my email. I went to that zerophilia movie forum and read my welcome message:

Welcome to the home of the Zerophilia the movie fansite. This site is for true Zerophiliacs and going through your background check you are a true zerophiliac and almost all your answers will be found here. And if you wanna talk about the movie- well that's fine too. Sir/Ma'am welcome and enjoy your stay.

   Hiding in plain sight was everything I was looking for. Maybe now I'll be able to better explain to Nikki and save our relationship.

Bisexual

 So if you don't know I am bisexual. I feel my bisexuality goes a lil deeper than most though. I'll get into that as this goes along though. What makes me bisexual and why I often feel the way I feel. I believe I was in high school when I found out I was bisexual. I came out in MSN's LGYouth Chat chatroom back in the early 2000's. Those where the good old days. I could spend hours in that chatroom and the Louisville1 or 2 chatroom . I've thought about my past and sometimes I'd have an epiphany. Like one day I got that weird ass feeling I used to get as a kid like an orgasm type feeling, it's hard to explain. It might have been a feeling I got when I was attracted to someone, can't remember. There was other encounters and experiments. Like when I first discovered internet porn and started to get attracted to shemales. I guess my staying in the closet and being bisexual has kept me from being gay bashed- funny thing is and I don't know if I'd consider this gay bashing or not but in middle school I was made fun of for hanging out with this geeky like dude. I hadn't any friends(different story) till I started hanging out with him. Now that I have a friend I'm a fag all of a sudden?

 Anywho, I gave it a lot of thought when I came out to myself. If  I could even live with myself, not in a ashamed way, more like am I being true to myself. I honestly never considered myself gay or bi because I like transexuals. I wanted to make sure the feelings I were having was real. I started to think about shit thats happened to me or I've done. As time passed on and I had my first girlfriend her name was Korina, I remember her saying she wouldn't date anybody bisexual, so I never told her. The sex was pretty decent, I wish I knew then what I knew now. I never told my next girlfriend, Patrica(a friend of Korina) either. That relationship was ended because my next girlfriend, Mary, who was a friend of her's told me what she was doing. I told her and she was fine with it, she was also white. I had a boyfriend in high school but I don't think I was ready for a boy friend, so it didn't work out. Of course I never told my family, I don't need that shit. Somehow though my sister Penny found out and this was before me and my nephew Dre got in to that argument where he brought up Texas, the first transexual I ever met.

 I feel like I'm starting to go off on a related but completely different tangent. So I remember when I was a kid I would put on my mama's pads. I tried her bra on once. this was way before high school. But in high school with g/f #3 I tried on her underwear and they fit. I was pleased with myself . So I started having these female tendancies, kinda. I cross my legs sometimes when I sit, I often "switch" when I walk. Often I will be standing a feminine akimbo. There's also an attraction to straight guys more so than gay ones. Then I remember one night I was with my current fiance who was a girlfriend at the time when we over her sisters watching some special on kids who think they are born in the wrong body. I don't feel that way but often wish I was a girl. One of her sisters is gay and the other bi, so I kinda fit right in. I believe there's a feminine side in me, I don't show it much- at all. I seem to be one of the most macho guys you'd ever meet. Of course being bi and not gay, I'm not one to be flaming anyway. I had this dream once(might have posted it here) where I was a girl and I was in this apartment with some friends an we was playing a game. I flashed them my ass and the guys started chasing me around this apartment pulling at my clothes to come off. I remember I was 5'7, pretty thick like Raven-Simon or Kyla Pratt but with DD's. Middle back length hair, and a nice fat ass. I've never had a related dream since. I had drawn some pictures of me as a girl. It seemed like a night time epiphany.

  I figure what makes me bisexual is a imbalance of testosterone and estrogen. I may have a tad more estrogen in my body than most guys, even gay guys. To keep it simple there's a woman inside this man. I'm not in the best of shape, so I have like a-cup moobs. I want to get in shape but on the same note I wish I could start taking hormones. I'm sure I wouldn't be as hot as I was in my dream. but if I could change at will I would. Part of the reason I love the movie Zerophilia and wrote the story. Sometimes when having sex with a transexual I'd fall into the feminine role when bottoming. I guess I'm mentally intersexed or something? I actually never thought about cross dressing(I mean like going furthur than a womans under wears) till about a few months ago. I guess thats all there is to it. Or atleast all here can be for you innerwebz strangers without  Q/A.

Zerophilia: Apathy 2

  "Hey, I'm home!" I said coming through the back.
  "Co'mere Jax, I gotta ask you something." Said Rochelle.
  "Hold on, what's it about." I queried as I changed to a tampon and tossed on my Jax costume.
  "Just come here and you'll see." She replied.
  I tossed my panties under my bed and went into the kitchen. I froze when she turned around- but I couldn't let her see the stunned amazment at what I saw...
  "Jax. What was these girls drawz doin in yo room? I found them when I was cleaning." She asked with irritated confusion.
  "Sigh. Uhhhh. Lemme think. I probably took those from some chick..."

  Yeah, I've been pretty much a nobody ever since elementary school- those were the years right there. For some reason alota people don't seem to care for me ever since middle school started. I'm a decent drawer, I play the dijeridu and the guitar. Plus I've been studing martial arts, parkour and dance. Every once in a while life looks up at me, being as young as I am I can't even partake in alot of stuff. Especially since Velocity has been trying to inact a lame ass fuckin curfew. Sooo, somethimes when something "out of the ordinary" happens to me it's kinda paid attention to. Whatever- you'll see.

  "...one night I was at the waterfront and met this chick." I explained.
  "Aww, I thought they were yours." She said with relief.
  "Naw, dey ain't mine, please." I said.
  "You sure?" She double checked.
  "No, they ain't mine, I don't even wear underwear, why would I wear panties?"
  "Aieght then. Whatever you doin I hope you use a condom. Don't come to me if you get some STD fuckin around." She told me.
  "Yeah, I know that." I said walking back into my room to get ready for my date.
  The question is though, should I tell her? I mean put a live dick anywhere near a lesbian in such a manner would surely piss them off. But should it matter(I wondered as I picked out some clothes) if I'm actually a boy- if I can completly turn into a girl? But then I guess it'd kinda be like if a straight guy was with a girl and she turned out to be a transexual. Dick or not, not knowing would be the issue. Well maybe it won't be that bad if I tell her.
  I pick up my cellphone to call Nikki. "Hello sexy lady."
  "Hey mamma, I miss you. Whats's up?" Greeted Nikki
  "Not much, I'm just gettin ready." I said while finding some underware on the opposite side of the color spectrum from my goth stuff.
  "You know what, I think I wanna go karting!" Nikki exclaimed. "Give you a ass-whuppin!"
  "Yeah that'll happen. You know what? driving is what I was born to do." I gloated.
  "Alright baby, meet you at my house." Said Nikki.
  We are goin to a lil arcade place with battin cages, minigolf and of coursae the most important shit, GOKARTS! I used to race them when I was younger. So I got my fit right and I get my bike to ride over her house.

  "Fuck!" I yell, barelly off the block before my pants got caught in my bike chain. "Fuckin shit. I ain't never had this happen." My dumbass forgot to adjust my trip pants so I could ride. Sigh.
  "woo hoo, go girl!" Someone yells over the sound of their horn.
  "What the hell?"
  "Yo lemme get somadat!" Was yelled from another car.
  Somehow my ass was hanging out- thong and all.  "Oh my god, why?" I stammered.
  I'm almost there, I jump a curb and go through an alley to take a short cut I found, when I blew my front tire and skid into a parked car, when the tire rolled off. So I had to catch the bus the rest of the way- which was crowded and I was stuck in the middle. Next tosome funky ass guy and missed my stop cause I couldn't get off.  I finally made it to her house walking two and a half blocks back.

  "Hey, baby! What's wrong?" Nikki greeted.
  "Haven't been having the best of time lately." I responded, with a hug.
  "We've got a first aid kit in here c'mon."NIkki said holding my hand. "My mom's still at work."
  "Can I have a kiss for my boo-boo's?" I wimpered.
  We made out for a lil bit and then go ready to leave for the gokart place. Everythoing was fine too. I hadn't been in a gokart in a long time. We ate as soon as we got there. We were running around playing games trying to get enough tickets to  get a big prize but ended up giving them all away. So we're out on the gokart track, Nikki's not that bad, but I am kickin ass till the last lap- three turns from finish I come out of a chicane and being cocky, like a lil boy. spun out because I missed a turn. All that trading pain't for nothing.

  Back at her place:
  "Baby, it's okay. It was still fun right?"she asked from the other side of the couch.
  "Yeah, I still had fun." I murmured watching tv. "I've got something to tell you." I said sternly.
  "An I got something to tell you too..." She said planting a kiss on my lips. "Goths are wierd." She said pulling my pants off.
  "I'm serious, youuuunnnngg."I started as my clit got sucked. The only thing I could do then is wrap my legs around her shoulders.
  Climbing back up to the couch, Nikki said, "I never noticed how big your clit got."
  "Yeah," I said goin for her nipples. "Damn you're sexy." I said kissing her to her pussy.
  "I'd been waiting for this day. Give me all of you." Nikki said, climbing in my lap.
  While sitting on my lap, she felt something slightly enter her pussy. "What the fuck is that?" Nikki asked as she got off me. "Tell me what's goin on here?" She ordered.
  "Remember, that movie we watched and what I asked you?" I asked.
  "Nooo, I don't." Replied Nikki.
  "Remember, we were watching that movie Zerophilia about that guy Lucas who could turn into a girl when he was horny. I asked you if that could happen in real life- would you be with somebody like that? There would hafta be some kinda benefits to dating a Zerophiliac. Soooo...?"I asked her
  "Kiva, I don't know. This kinda pisses me off right now. Or is your real name 'Kiva"? Nikki asked disbelieving.
  "Yeah it is. My other name is Jax. I know I shoulda told you sooner- like when we was watching the movie I was gonna tell you but you looked uneasy when I asked you that, so I didn't. I was trying to tell you tonight." I explained.
  "I don't wanna be anywhere near a dick, Kiva. Now I don't know what to do." Nikki said annoyed.
  "look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I should have. You're my first girlfriend- I had to be a girl to get one. But When I am Kiva I'm girl all the way. I could even have kids." I explained.
  "Right now I just want you to go away. I feel like- ah dunno. We'll talk." Spoke Nikki, quietly.

  So I went home in tears and slight embaressment for it. Shit just felt different right then and there. Maybge we could recover from this but I have a feeling that it may not happen. I try and get all my cry out before the bus gets here. So I'm on the bus when although not crying, hurt real bad. Then I look up and see people staring at me. I catch myself in a window, I'm changing  completly back into Jax. I got off the bus right then and there. I had to walk my bike ickily barefooted since my boots were about a few sizes too small. Oh god, please don't tell anyone Nikki, my life sucks enough. I thought I was liberating myself.

Zerophilia: Girls Day Afternoon 2

  So here we are walking through the park dragging on cigarettes. Lookin like two girls you don't wanna fuck with. So what if we're holding hands.
  "So we didn't even get caught, Kiva." Nikki said with a sly look on her face.
  "Nope." I said.
  "Hey, lets go to your house." She asked.
  Fuck! I knew this was gonna happen eventually.
  "Whats wrong, baby? Can we or not?" She wondered.
  "Our place is a mess. Random shit everywhere, all over. Heh. I feel for your safty." I said.
  "Like that show Hoarders? How can yyou live like that? Don't that make you mad? Nikki questioned.
  "Yeah cause no one can come over. I have my like collections but damn." I complained. "Can I drive?" I asked to change the subject and eyeing the handlebars.
  "Sure, where you wanna go?" She agreed.
  "I figure the Galleria." I replied.
  "Cool. Lets go." She said climbing on.
  "I barely managed to back it out but once it was up to speed, it was fun. Nikki leant in real close and held me tightly. Now I see why guys always want some kinda bike.
  "So what do you collect?" She asked me.
  "What? Oh! Bottlecaps, skeleton keys, CD's, Djarum cigarette boxes and cartons." I listed.
  "I love skeleton keys!" She yelled(all in my ear). "They're so neat. I always wanted one. Our house is so old it has the key holes for them." Nikki excitedly explained.
  "Well, I might have one for you." I replied.
  "You gotta get'em an see! I can mess with my parents! She gleamed.
  "Okay, we'll hafta stop by and get them baby." I said.

  Pulling up to the Galleria, which appears to be built on the street, like at one time you could drive thru here. Theres doors at both ends. Anyway we walk in and stop by the candy shop. She treated me to some candy. I just love gummi candy.
  "Thanks baby, I love gummi candy." I said with a kiss on the cheek.
  "No problem, I get anything for my dark princess." Replied Nikki.
  "I love this place. Not very popular- but I like it. The place is just old thats all." I said looking around.
  "I don't think I've ever been here..." She said.
  "Theres not alot here, but it works. Hey come on, lets go." I said pulling her towards the escalators.
  "Okay, okay. Where are we goin Ma?" Asked Nikki, lost.
  "Upstairs. to where the food is." I said.
  So when we got off the escalator, there wern't many people upstairs. No one over at Sbarros. Which is perfect for what I wanna do, I guess.
  "Okay,  I want to treat you to some good ass italian food here at Sbarros cause you deserve it." I explained.
  "Whhhha-eee?" Nikki wondered.
  "Because, you've been so nice to me from the very first day. You really don't look all that nice." I told her.
  "Yeah I know. It goes with the hobby I guess. I am nice, but not like a goody goody. I'm not really that friendly usually. I'm a punk, gotta fit the description. I'd hate to say it but I can be a bitch, hahaha." She explained.
  "At first I thought you were weird. Well I thought you were cute but then you startede mini-stalking me. I was ready to smash your face. I'm happy I didn't, you're a great girl." I said giving her a big kiss.
  We got some pizza and a stromboli, a good seat in the back of the place, sight unseen.
  "Here you go." I said holding a slice of pizza up.
  "What are doin?"She asked.
  "I wanna feed you silly." I laughed. "Take a bite."
  Aaaoomph. "Mmm. Good. But you really don't need to feed me. It was cute and thoughtfull though." She said taking a bite.
  "Sorry, I never  been in a relationship before." I explained.
  "It's okay. Sooo, when did you find out you was gay? And why Goth?" Nikki asked.
  "It wasn't too long ago, I figured I was bisexual. I'm a girl, I like boys but- the guy in me like girls. Ah dunno, I was home alone on the internet, thinking about my past and I just had an ephinany. It's like I've always liked girls but didn't know it. I've never had a relationship before this one so it could be also an act to stop being alone. I used to be depressed and lonely all the time, I wanted to show it. I startted listening to rock and other stuff. Took up a few martial arts, copied stuff from movies. Just didn't really have the clothes like I wanted. I was always an outsider so kinda why not." I explained.
  "Interesting. You don't hafta be alone anymore. I'm here for you." She said as she gave me a hug.
  "And ofcourse I gotta keep it a secret or my mama will put me on some sort medication or some shit. Being bi, that is.
  "My mom doesn't care. Aslong as I don't become a delinquent. Just normal everyday life for her, never asked why or anything. She took it like I said I was goin outside or something. I should be happy it was never an issue." Nikki depressedly told me.
  After we finished off the stromboli, we made out. Like really made out. Laid out in the booth. Somehow we were spotted and asked to leave.

  "Can we go get those skeleton keys now?" Asked Nikki.
  "Yeah. I did say I'd get them." I replied.
  "Let's go, maybe you can send the night?"Asked Nikki- hopefully.
  "I'll hafta lie about it but sure lets try. I wanna make love to you." I said.
   To spare you the details, yes I got to spend the night and it was fun. Her mamma was like "It's good to see you have another girlfriend." I met some of her friends. That night one of my favorite movies came on: Zerophilia. Inwhich Nikki was hardpressed to believe such a thing was possible but thought it would be tyght if that could happen in real life. Maybe I should tell her. Heh. By the time eight o'clock came around we sucluded ourselves nakedly, till morning. Oh and yeah we had naked fun time. And sex.

Zerophilia: Girls Day Afternoon 1

  Sigh, Im having so much fun with my new girlfriend- it almost makes me forget that I used to be a boy. Like I love the looks we get when we're out and about, makin out like it's got the antidote in it. We were at the park the other day as a anniversary type thing(I still don't get it) and where we were sitting, somewhere between where the playground is and the fountain and lawn areas are at. Kinda hard to describe, anyway we already have an eclectic style of fashion. Out of nowhere a tingle went down my spine, I looked at Nikki, grabbed her thigh with one hand- the other her neck. Leaned her in, then went the hottest lesbian makeout session outside of porn. It looked like sex coulda happened. so you got all these people who look like they've never seen a passionate lesbian kiss outside of porn. Kinda funny how disgusted people get.
  "You think we should go? asked Nikki
  "No, we deserve to be here like anyother couple." I said. "Besides I've always liked pissing people off."
  "See, I knew there was something different about your aura." Nikki explained. Girl if you only knew.
  So some lady walked up with her son and told us: "You two young ladies ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Forcing people to watch youe P.D.A.'s. IF it weren't for my son here I..."
 Here I go on my tyraid: "What would you do? Hopefully nothing past verbal for your own good. What the fuck should we be ashamed of? Being happy? It's people like you that piss me off. I think your problem is we're lesbian..."
  "Exactly, Sweetheart! Maybe if we was a boy and girl it wouldn't be a big deal. If we were the same skin color. Lawdy G. Willikers; not a interracial gay couple!" Nikki said completing me.
  "Look, I've experimented in college. You girls are just doin way too much." The lady said as her son was getting nervous.
  "Maybe we got a tad hasty. But you get what you ask for." I started as Nikki turned to talk to her son. I didn't cathc what she said exactly. "But you can't just walk up to strangers any kinda way, nomatter what. Sometime snot even nice. You should know that, lady. Especially a Goth and a Punk. She's a sweetheart but I know hand to hand combat." I said bringing in some reality.
  "Look, I'm sorry. It's just you kids today..." She started.
  "Please just worry about yours and embrace anything morally positive he might do. You've been here, where me and her is at. Don't put off the wrong vibes. Your family removed. He may wanna join the family. Outburst l ike yours can give the wrong vibes." I explained.
  "...So you undestand, good." Finished Nikki.
  I still wonder what she told him, I never caught it exactly.

  Still buzzed up on righteous energy we wen't near the big water display to make-out some more.
  "Now if she didn't try and come to us with that shit." I said after we departed lips.
  "I know, right? I can't even think about what she's probably sayin after she walked off." Said Nikki as she went in for more kiss.
  I don't know about her but I'm getting horny.
  "An her son." I mentioned.
  "Yeah." She said with a sigh.
  "I hope he doesn't turn out like her." I mumbled as I sucked on her bottom lip.
  "Yeah." She breathed.
  "I shoulda laid that bitch down!" I exclaimed.
  "Fuck that bitch up!" She yelled.
  "Fuck that bitch!" I yelled back. "Fuck!!" I screamed
  "Fuck!!" She screamed.
  "FUCK!!" We screamed.
  "Raaawwr!" I growled as she screamed and ran off.

  We  chase each other all over the park. As people gradually disappear, we notice we're making our way to the side people don't go to often. Mainly because theres nothing here but some bench-swings, benches and a few picnic tables. Plus a few more landscaped(We rolled down one) hills. I'm laying down in the grass getting kisses with my shirt pulled up. The kisses, they move to my cheek. They slow and steadily move to my belt. Her gentle hair glides across, sweeping away my nervousness. I was hoping I'd still have a pussy donw there. Being this is the last day of the "wrag" and all. "Mmm, I think I love you." I proposed. When I pull her shirt off, theres nothing but her tits- that I bury my face in. After she pulls off my sports bra, she lays me down, drops her pants and undies. Slowly, she goes down. I can feel her tounge, warm breath and a kiss hello as she brings up a gift: my tampon.

  I just love how she placed my legs around her neck, pressed her face down and licked like I had the antidote in it. Oh my god, I thought fingering felt good. Right before I fuckin came she sits on my face. I couldn't get enough. I felt her body shake, damn why can't she sit lower?
  "I think I hear something." I worridly said.
  "Who cares! Just suck my clit harder!" Nikki yelled as she squeezed my tits.
  Next thing I know, I feel her cum and her juice of exctasy fills my mouth. Followed by a kiss and a cum-drenched finger up my ass. "Well, baby- I guess  a thumb in the ass is worth two in the 'gine. I said. So I sat on my knees and hands to flip her around under me and lick her lill anus. She clinched with every satisfying lick. I l ooked at her, she looked at me. I sat up and we kissed as she attempted to sit in my lap. Tossed one leg over, slip the other one under and when her pussy found mine, when she wriggled and pushed. Smooch! "Ung, mamma." She moaned. We got some balance and what felt like hours- we pumped each others orgasims out. We lay sprawled out after one good leg-numbing orgasm. If we wanted to do anything, we had to go. There's not much like sex on a park, loud as hell at three PM. As we lay there all naked, I pull out a Djarum and tell her: "Baby, you always smoke after sex."

Zerophila: Acceptance 2

I make my way towards Hot Topic to get some trip pants, I go in Rave to see what neat stuff they had. All that gaudy lookin shit thats in today. Well off to the Topic. When I walk in, get a decent greeting you probably wouldn't expect from goths, metalheads or emos.
 "You need help finding anything?" Asked a goth product stocker.
 "No, thanks. Om just looking around." I said with a slight apathetic tone. Hey, I'm trying not to look like an outsider. Cause this chick was looking at me. She didn't work there, just shopping. Just sexy, can't forget that lil part. If I were a guy I'd talk to her. She's the same hieght as me but she's got middle-back length hair, pale white skin or goth make up on. Black lipstick, what could be a nice set of tits, slightly skinnier then me, wearing skinny jeans with a Tool shirt kindly displaying her belly button ring. I have been in here for like five minutes and I swear she's looking at me. Alot. I don't know if she's looking at me, looking around or what. I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

 Okay, I happen to glance up and she's on the opposite side of the asle. Looking at me.
 "Hi." Is all she mustered.
"Whassup."I replied.
 She grinned and looked down at something. So I grabbed a nice pair of trip pants with the green on the sides and went to the dressing room. I sear I thought I saw her walk by trying to peak. So I hear a knock on the door...
 "Hey, wait a minute." I yell.
 "Open the door, I wanna see how you look." Demanded this crazy girl stalker. But in a svelt kinda way.
 "What? No."I said, most annoyed already.
 "Let me in there with you, it's okay I promise. I'm not gonna beat you up or anything. Please." She whispered through the door crack.
 "I know you're not." I said talking about her beating me up. "What do you want?" I ask her. She doesn't seem like I thought she'd be, by the way she dressed.
"You." She said quietly. "My names Nikki." She told me.
 I let her in. As she shut the door I asked: "So you were checkin me out?"
 "Yeah, I think your cute, sorry for coming off a tad wierd." She said with a relief.
 "It's okay, I thought you were cute when I first seen you." I admitted.
 "Thats good. I think you look good in those pants too. If you want I can steer you toward the right direction, when it comes to shoppin here." Thats what Nikkis mouth said anyway. Her eyes, they were saying; you are sexy and you should be naked while we got tha chance.
 "So you a goth, right? I need a lil goth in my life. Oh and my names Kiva." I slyly spoke, wanting to kiss those black lips.

 So far Nikki's wonderful, she helped me add a lil goth to my wardrobe. Funny thing is Jax has a pretty good style goin, now it's time for something similar for Kiva. I as Jax have yet to hit it off this good. We went to the food court and had lunch. Ofcourse I love me some Rocky Rococo's Pizza. She had Sub-Way.
 "So are you gay or just bi? I'm bi and I mean really bisexual and not just trying to be in that group of people who take it as a fad." I exclaimed a tad irratable.
 "Okay, okay. I never said I didn't believe you. Yes, I am gay, I hate to imagine some dick anywhere near me whether man or shemale. She said non-chalantly with a bit of seriousness about not wanting dicks exposing themsleves to her.
 "Sooooo, you couldn't picture that sub of yours a nice big cock ready to mmmm give you a cumbath?"I said with a sneer.
 "Ew. Gross-nasty. I don't even like using dildos..." Started Nikki.
 "You haven't had sex till you've given each other the best orgasim with a double dong."I said as if I've ever used one.
 "I don't know about that." Said Nikki nervously.
 "Please." I said leaning foward kissing her on the lips.
 "I could try. Hell I'm with a black chick finally. Gimme more sugar!" Nikki said wanting more kisses.
 I've got a girlfriend, now I've got to get a double dong...
 "I had a good time with you, wanna ride home?" She asked.
 "What? How old are you?" I asked surprised.
 "I'm the same age as you, I have a Honda Helix 125, that my dad dropped a 650cc Silverwing drivetrain in. I just gotta keep it slow." Nikki explained.
 "Okay, just drop me off in back though." I agreed.

 Fuck! I forgot I am supossed to be a boy.  I'm doin all this sht and she's gonna think I'm wierd we can't never chill at my house. I couldn't even begin to explain why I gotta disguise myself as a boy to go home. This isn't gonna work unless I just come open as a zerophiliac. It was a fun ride- holding her tits the whole ride. Making out at the red lights. I still need to find a double-dong.

Zerophilia: Acceptance 1

 Okay, this period is lasting a tad longer than it should have. I called the doc and he said because of the fucking meds, I might have a regular female period or a tad longer than a week. Good news is I'm not bleeding as much. I might give this body a test drive, ah dunno yet. I just gotta hide this shit from my mamma till the time is right. I've been selling the pills, turns out if you don't have an imbalance, they make good drugs-like taking a anti-depresant and a ritilin or stratera at the same time. I hate hiding myself but it's better than having her worry more about me seeing as she pretty much gots a son and daughter to watch out for, sigh. Atleast it's a good time to clean out my closet. Yeah, I went and traded some of my clothes for some chick stuff. And with my money I'm headed to the Mall!!!!

 This is the biggest mall in Kentucky: Bluegrass Village. Ahh, walking through these big ass doors getting hit by the tupperware scented a/c vents and whats behind door number two? Only the pure enjoyment of snooty workers, roaming cliques, recycled air, rent-a-cops watching every body under 30 and not tomention getting attacked by cell phone kiosk people and perfume ladies. It could be the woman in me but I love the mall. If I was a guy that could be interpeted as sarcasm. I've actually never really gotten any curiosity about the chick stores, and girly stuff. I guess now I can proudly go into Rave or Body Shop. Plus now I really have a reason to get my ears pierced. Actually I think I'll see what they have in the Limited and Limited Too. I'm looking for some hip huggers and bell bottoms.
 "Hello. Let me know if you need anything." The Lady hanging up clothes greeted me with.
 "Uh, yeah. I'm looking for hip huggers but I don't exactly know what size pants I wear, I'm not dumb I just..."I started to explain.
 "Usually shop with your mom?" She finished. Hey, thats better than what I was gona say.
 "Yeah, it's kinda embarrasing saying it though, now that I well you said it." I told her.
 "Don't worry, here's a secret: Get a few different sizes of whatever pants you like and try them on. MOst places won't let you but I'm the manager so it's cool. That way it'll be easier to find what you want." She said with a slight whisper.
 "Thank you, so much." Is pretty much all I could say to her. Nobody would give a guy this kinda hook up.

 So I went over and found some nice stone washed capris. Turns out, even though my waist shrunk, it's not too far off from what I'd wear as a guy. I don't think I like capris that much but I can learn. I'm not some skinny girl, I'm kinda chubby or thick but no pooch-belly, heh. So I bought the capris and a miniskirt. I went to Journey for shoes but they were too high, maybe next time. I did find a nice Ed Hardy Purse that was cheap. Hey, I've got like three hundred dollars to spend. Okay here it goes, I gotta move fast if I wanna make it past the T-Mobile kiosk. "Excuse me young lady..." Dammit! "Do you have a cell phone?" He continued. "Well, yeah. What middle school kid doesn't have a cell?" I said with an eye roll. " I think you should try our new plan, first two months free." He said with an instagtious tone. "No. I have a phone, fool." I agitatedly explained. When he wrapped his arm around me I was thinking of taking advantage of my new jailbait body and yell rape or something but Ed hit him in the head. I hope it wasnt too Hardy, not like theres anything in it. Never heard a girl say theres nothing in her purse before huh? Don't worry it'll be buldging and pulling stiches by the end of the week. I still feel okay checkin out the girls walking around and love checking out the guys. I was just taking a rest, seeing as I'm wearing my mammas flip flops and damn are they uncomfortable. See! Thats why I've never worn these.

 After my poor footsies were rested, I continued on to clairs, to get my ears pierced. Almost fucked that up:
 "Hey, how much is this gonna hurt?" I asked fearfully.
 "Just a pinch. Not that much for that long." She explained.
 Then all I heard was the click of here point twenty-two caliber pierce pistol and what felt like an actual bullet passed thru my ear.
 "Ahhh, fuck!" I yelled as I almost cause her to rip my ear open.
 "Woah, wait a minute. let me release the ear ring first." She said as if she was always on gaurd for this kinda stuff. "You still want the other one pierced, sweetheart?" She asked.
 "Sigh, might as well, besides I paid for it. An I wanna look pretty. I said goin from krummugeon to cheerfull.
 "Alright, here we go." Speaking with bliss as she dabs my other ear with alcohol.
 Clack-twack!

 God damn, that shit hurts.

Zerophilia: Identity Crisis

 Walking home I was thinking Jax is not a good name for a girl. I gotta think of a good name for my female half. But I may need to go deeper than that. what if I get in trouble or need proof of this semi non-existant person is real. More than a tangible persona, real iteration of my femininity. Okay first things first, I need a name. A good one too, not some lame everyday name or some storybook name. Sigh, no fuckin ghetto ass names either.

 "Hey baby, what'cho name is?" Asked by some wangster.
 Too fuckin soon, I thought. "Uh, why?" I said as I thought up a name.
 "What'cho name is, lil Ma?" He asked once again."My names Drake."
 "Jasmin." Since nothing else comes to mind.
 "Well, what'chu about, Jasmin? What we gon't do herrr?" Drake thugingly asked.
 Good thing I'm a guy. I know he wants pussy. I know I'm sexy. I know I can't do this. "Baby, you want pussy. I know yo ggame and, well you can't play." I said walking off.
 "Lil Ma, Jasmin! It ain't even like that. I promise." Drake tried to explain with a convincing lie. "Look, I ain't like these other dudes. Ah get money, we can go places, eat, I'll treat you like a queen. My queen."
 For some reason I kept believing his lil fourteen year old promises. Likw, I knew he was full of it but part of me was smittin, fallin for his shit and was hoping it was true and wanted to see.

 "Sorry, I can't do it." I said after I noticed his pants hanging around his hips(Funny thing is I'm wearing the same pants, only black It's not my wide hips holding them up either- it's a belt). As I shoutted to walk away he grabbed my hand and pulled me close. "Oh no." I said.
 "We abouta do somim." He said grabbing up my shirt, squeezing my tits. "Mmm, an a fine ass. Yeah lets go to my room real quick." He said pushing me towards his house.
 Thats right, I'm a girl. I'm weaker than him, can't get aweay as he drags me towards his house. I scream and he let's go of my arms. But only to cover my mouth, slap my ass really hard and pull me by my hair.
 "Hmmmm!!" My muffled scream went.
 "Shut up bitch." Drake growls.
 I've never been so scared. As he pulls me up the steps and opens the door I figure I gotta man up. I reach around and scratch his face. He let's go. I kick hime square in the jaw.
 "Aaaaoow!" Screaming like a bitch.
 "Thats what the fuck you get, stupid ghetto nigga!" I yell as I run off. Yep, I gotta find Dr. Mofedi tomorrow.

 On my way home I'm getting looks like I'm Jenny from the block. You know what? Screw Jasmin. I'm gonna call my self Kiiva. Maybe Doc Mofedi has an answer for thaat too. I'll find you my wizard of Oz. Gotta man up once more. Not like earlier. I gotta sneek in the back and get my bag so I can throw on my boyish charm. Kinda sad my mama's so dense she doesn't realize she has the daughter she always wanted. Sigh, up goes my flowing locks. I hate this. I've pretty much come to terms with being a chick, I hate fuckin hiding it. I sit here at home all disguised just in case my mama or her boyfriend come strolling in. Or I gotta leave my room. Let's see if this slow ass computer will let me search.  Doc-tore Mo-Fee-dee. Let's see, page two... Child Phychiatrist. "Are you fuckin serious?" I guess I was his ticket to some fame. His lil bio reads his big break was his invilvment with a very serious intersex/hermaphrodite child.( I guess thats me) although little was known it was enough for him to prove his genius. Well we'll see what he knows and remembers tommorow...

 Todays the day I go see this guy. He has a new office in the hospital district. I never noticed how many looks women get. Probably cause I was the one looking, heh. This has been fun but I need to know when I will be a boy again. Atleast I've gotten used to tampons. I was thinking about actually posting an ad on Craigslist to see  if someone would buy me some clothes. Depends on whats goin on with me. Damn pervs keep checkin me out. Never seen jailbaite so sexy. Why does everything happen to me? I've got a  buncha questions he'd better be able to answer.

 "Hello, how may I help you?" Asked the woman behind the window.
 "First who does your hair(did I really ask that?) and I need to see Dr. Mofedi, it's urgent." I say,
 "Dr. Mofedi's busy right now-" She said as I interrupted.
 "I can wait for-no, I will not do that. Sorry, like I was saying. I ca- dammit she doesn't want to rub tits with us. I don't care, I'm not getting her in trouble for something- No I'm not." I continued.
 "Are you okay?" She asked confused, looking for a bluetooth.
 "It's the voices, we're having a bit of a spat. We are too young and I am too straight for that!" I ramble on.
 "Oh you poor little girl. Look go on in there. Just go straight to his office, he's in there." She said all concerned and worried about me.
"Thank you so much. They keep persisting if we could make out or atleasty see your tits. They will not let it go. I'm not telling you to, I figure I could try and ignore them bitching about the whole thing." I go on.
 "Here, they can see my boobs, but thats it. Aslong as they promise to be quiet." She sez as she lifts her shirt and bra. Boy she had some nice, yummy milk sacks. I probably coulda touched them and got away with it. Now I will be hearing voices.

 I walk to his office and sit down. as he glances up from a sip of coffee. I guess he's some Indian guy, like durka-durka not feather.
 "How may I help you today young lady?" He asked like a caring boss.
 This is gonna be good: "Hello, Dr. Mofedi. My names Jax."
 Aah, so funny! Hi-larry-ass, his face just dropped. like I showed up nude or something. I could feel his fear and confusion. He's just staring at me. I know he remembers me. How many people do you know named Jax, how many "girls" named Jax? Try harder to gain that composure, doc.
 "What are you doing here and are you taking your meds?" Dr. Mofedi asked me like I was crazy.
 "NO! Sorry, fuck no. That shit messed me up. I don't know what it was doin but I felt fine so I stopped and then this happened. I'm a thirteen year old girl goin through puberty. I need answers." I said, pissed.
 "Look, you were born with the inane ability to swap sexes. I couldn't figure it out. When you were born and you'd switch, your mother didn't know what to do. Those who did know were sworn to secrecy and hopefuly even you wouldn't know." He explained with utmost seriousness.
 "Well, I know now. Kinda. This is hard for me to deal with. I feel like I've lost touch with my boy side."I explained.
 "Yes. If it weren't for the meds, this wouldn't have been no problem. You would've had a combined puberty aswell as total control. What your body is doing is rebooting itself. You've got a week of this, so be careful." He went on.
 "What am I? I feel like I'm doin something I shouldn't by hiding myslef and all this confusion. I'm proud to be a girl but I feel ashamed eveytime I gotta hide it." I tell him.
 "You have what we call Zerophilia. It's sort of a chemical imbalance with your testosterone and estrogen levels and DNA damage. From WhatI know it's not fatal, and your perfectly okay with it like being albino. You can well, will be able to completly change or partly change yourself from male to female. I'm not the only person who has studied and dealth with people with this dissorder. There are estimated about five percent of the world to have Zerophilia. Of all the people who are born intersexed or hermaphrodite, which we suspect is the basis and Zerophilia are some how related." He lectured as he ended himself with another sip of coffee.
 "This sucks for me cause my mama doesn't know I found out." I said depressingly.
 "Look, it won't be easy. Hopefully you will find somebody who can help you out with it. I remember your mothers actions very well. Please do not let her find out." He explained.
 "Don't worry. So how about my identity? I'll need some sorta proof." I asked.
 "All you need to do is get another ID made. People like you and not just zerophiliacs get special treetment in that department. YOur birth certificate has you listed as male and female. THe government is aware of this. This will probably be the easiest part of your venture. All you need to do is get another copy of your Social Sercurity card with you own social sercurity number that you already have and your female name. THe social security office will have you on file as a zerophiliac and will understand. Your pretty much all set in that area." He said with a smile and a tone of hope in his voice.

Thank you, Wizard

Zerophilia: Tying it together

 It's been about a week and I went to seek some information about what was going on. I went to a doctor, although I didn't say anything about me actually being a boy. If I knew what my messed up disease or whatever was called, I could probably find better help. What he told me was at fourteen, it appears I was having a late period and wondered why I was never given "the talk". I had to actually disguise myself as myself, try to keep my voice deep and had to steal some of my mothers pads. The doctor was kinda on edge told me to get some tampons and stop wasting his damn time, I'll live. I got back in character and left with stares. I gotta keep this as secret as possible. I figure I'll go see my sister. I can always come to her for... "Aaaahh, leg cramp." I walk everywhere, whats goin on? "Owoooo! This fuckin hurts, my pelvis. uuunnngh!" I sat down at a bus stop feeling my ass spread in my shorts as my hips grew out. It was over as soon as it began. It stillhurt when I walk but it was mostly the tight ass shorts, only a bajillion more blocks to go.

Fuck, Dre's here. My lil nephew. "Whassup unc!" Said Dre as he answered the door. "What you doin here?"
"I gotta talk to Penny about something important, wheres my favorite nieces though?" I said.
"Penny's in the back, she don't wanna be bothered with, right now."Explained Dre. Which would be true accept when it come to me and her boyfriend Tim. So I gave my nieces a visit. Pandie, Shink and Felicia.
"Yall be good and stop given yo mama trouble." I said walking to the back.
"Aye, J. Get me one of them ciggs from her, them things are thunder! She got some mint flavored cigarettes." Explained Dre.
So I walk back to her bedroom, where she's on the phone. "Hey Jerry, give yo big sister a hug!" She exclaimed.
"Dre wanted another cigarette. What the big deal about them? He said they were mint flavored?" I asked.
"Here, try one." She said as I lit one. "They're cloves, called Djarum Black." She finished.
"These things are dilicious. Which reminds me, I gotta show you something." I said as I slowly stop disguising my voice and took my hat off letting my just-over-shoulder length hair fall out. "What the fuck is wrong with me? " I asked as I take a drag on that Djarum Black.
"Jerry, you stopped taking yo pills!" Penny said with a gasp.
"Thats right, dammit. I didn't think they were doin anything so I stopped taking them. Who knew I was actually a girl."I said as the nice kretek smoke left my mouth.
Dre was listening on the other side of the door.
"What do you know about this?" I asked.
"You are a boy, I swear. Follie was having some pregnacy problems when it came to determin what you was but from the last ultrasound to when you came out, you was a boy. One day over your house you switched to a girl and from what I know, you did it often til they started seeking out help. It was kinda hard keeping you out of the news but they did it. Basically you've been on and off meds since about two or three and by four, daddy could't deal with it and left. Thats about all I know. I wouldn't go to any family about this." Penny discussed.
"Don't worry about that. I wondered why as I guess they were wearing off, I'd have these strange feelings and urges so to speak." I said.
"What the fuck!? J's a girl? Wait a minute...Said Dre to himself.
"Look, I've got boobs and everything." I said lifting my shirt. "It's okay, we're sisters now." I spoke followed by a dry giggle.
"Wow." Penny said.

 I put my shirt, I should say shirts back on and checked down my pants as the red sea flows strong and I tried to make a pad work with a pair of boxers. "Uuug, you have a tampon or two? I'm having a heavy day. Atleast till I can get some panties." I asked with no shame surprisingly. Boy I'm kinda getting used to being a girl. Until Dre busted in looking for a smoke. Before I could put my hat back on too.
"Aye, Unc. You got my cigg from Penny yet? Wait a minute, How'd your hair get that long?" Asked Dre, just barging in like he does.
"Get the fuck outta my room, Dre." Spoke an unamused Penny.
"Naw Penny. I wanna know what the hell is goin on. Why Jax looks like a bitch. You crossdressin or somim, whats up?" Said Dre angry and confused.
"Here's a cigarette, now get out." Yelled Penny.
"I'm not a damn crossdresser, Dre. I'm a girl, alright. Now please don't make a big deal about it. I..." I started to say when I was interrupted.
"Dre, don't tell anybody. Nobody. This is serious shit. Said Penny.
"I won't tell nobody, I swear." Dre said with a laugh.
"Better not, I'll can still kick your ass."I threatened. "We're serious, man."
"Okay, I won't say anything. Wait, hold up. We all know I can beat you up especially since you a girl now." Said Dre.
"Look, tell somebody an this 'lil' girl will give you a ass-whuppin." I said dryly lighting another cigarette.
"Okay, okay Unc. I mean Aunt J." He said with a smirk.

We went to the living room where she explained it to my nieces and how it ws imperative, they never talk about it to anyone outside of that apartment. Although how many peopl in my family actually know is a given.
"I think I'll try to enjoy my newfound woman hood. Since I'm probably stuck this way till this re-puberty is over with." I said grabbing at my breast.
"Well, Jerry; bein on a period is probably the worst time to try enjoy being a girl." Explained Penny.
"You've got to get me a pack of these." I said as I gave my nieces a hug and heading towards the door hearing Dre say, "Watch out fo them boys!" I guess all I can do is let my hair down and have some fun.
"Hey little sister, look for a phychiatrist named Dr. Mofeedi. I remember him being around alot!" Penny yells. I yell thank you as I walk down the street tying my shirt up. You know, it felt pretty good being called little sister. Thats why I love my Penny.

Zerophilia

I got this idea when I caught the movie(behind the title) on one night. I guess you could call these characters more advanced or more damaged within the DNA. Either way transformation is at will moreso than when horny. I need to think of a better way of doing that, like how CarDomain sez "after the jump."

  Can you figure what I'm having, doctor? Asked Follie all confused as this is the fourth ultrasound she's had where the doctor gives her the same answer, I don't know, one day it's a boy and the next it appears to be a girl. I'm at a loss for words. Push! said the nurse. Aaaauuuunnnnngggah!!!!! Follie screamed. Ahh you have a beautifull baby boy. Funny how we just had to wait till he came out to see. Said the Doctor with a sigh of relief. I guess we can get rd of all that girlly shit huh? Said Peany, her husband. Let's name him Jax, he continued. I thought you had a son, Follie? Asked Martha. I do, what kinda question is that? Asked Follie. Well then who's little girl is this in the playpen? Asked Penny from the living room. What little girl!? Wait a minute, Jax i-... aaiiiiieeeee! Screamed Follie.

  Thats my life in one paragraph, sorta. Well some stuff to pay attention to anyway. It was hard to control myself especially when my mama draged me to all sorts of doctors from pediatricians, phyciatrist and even a biologist. I had my  fifteen minutes of fame and had all sortsa medication shoved down my throat. Funny thing is, I didn't know why. I guess they were afraid I'd want to be myself. I thought I was perfectly normal. No one who knew or probably didn't know, would tell me why I was taking it. I was just supossed to take it. In middel school, I decided not to take it. I found out I would get these strange feelings when I would look at or talk to certain guys. the same feelings I had when I talked to girls. I did a bit of research and learned  about the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender or LGBT for short " world" so to speak. I looked at everything from PFLAG to porn. I descovered the downsides pretty quick, all the hatred and whatnot. Either way, I kinda considered myself bisexual but decided to keep it to myself and only let family know. Not my family, I mean the LGBT family. Then something wierd happened when I was watching some porn. I was jacking off and my penis dissapeared. I thought I was just loosing my erection but it kinda kept going in. It started to hurt, my nuts started to draw in. I got scared and tried to dig for them so to speak. I couldn't feel for them but I couldn't stop, i started to feel this euphoria as I was feeling myself. My body shook, I started going faster. I moaned in to an alto like scream. I just had the most wonderful orgasim.

  I ran into the bathroom to inspect myself in the mirror. I thought I was sweating but my head was dry. Then I saw a drop of milk come outta one of my nipples. I squeezed it and more squirted out, it hurt. They leaked more, I couldn't stop them. I pinched my nipples to strop the flow and I got engurged, my breats swelled up to a painfull C cup. IT didn't hurt as much after that except my nipples seeing as I was pinching them and they got bigger between my fingers, ouch. As a middle school aged boy I was fascinated with breast, so you could understand my excitment when I had my own. I ran to my room and noticed the wikipedia page for hermaphrodites was loaded. I didn't read anything remotely similar to what was happening to me. I got scared. I don't know what is going on with me. Was all of that medication doing this to me? What would my parents say? I just went up two cup sizes, I can't hid these things. My voice is lighter, fuck I'm waiting for my hair to grow. My bodies goin haywire and all I can do is cry into my pillow.

Brandon Teena

I would say last night but it was more like this morning we started watching Boy's Don't Cry, when
my fiance wanted to see the real people the movie is based on. What she found was the thing Sundance aired on Youtube, it was a twelve part setup, we watched 3-12. I forgot the name of the poster though. After watching that stuff I was kinda sad, kinda pissed off. After we were done I didnt feel like watching the rest of the movie. It seems like the only video footage of Teena is the movie, put there were alot of pictures shown and she doesnt look nothing like her character portrayal. The werd thing is I felt like I knew her as if she was a friend even though she lived way in Nabraska far away from Kentucky. Born December /12/ 71, died(murdered unfairly) December /31/93. Yeah I was like six years and had no knowledge of this whatsoever.

I was hoping to write more, Now if I had Wrote this when I wanted to, it probably would be better. I don't know if I'm the only person who does things like this; all I could think about is I guess before they had a chance to shoot her I had pulled up in a old Suburban went back there and kinda slammed the guys head against the wall and the like and grabbed her I was with like three people and we took her back to Lincoln. They tried to chase us in a Caprice and I slammed on my brakes and they cracked the radiator from the impact. Man she would be like 36 last year or 35. I think I want to visit her gravesite and I guess the other peoples aswell. Funny thing is the black guy who was killed wasnt even in the movie. I also wish I had something of hers like her ID or something to remember her by. It's wierd I know but it's also wierd that its like I knew her. Maybe its me but then again if that past life shit is real, we may have known each other.

I get tired of people being killed, even though I think some people should be. She wasn't a perfect angel ut nobody is. I wish she had a second chance at life. Sigh, I dont know what else to say. Well there is the part about the house, how I hope and wish it was torn down and the fact people always focus on down here in the south about things like this when you hafta remember this stuff happens everywhere and even though the south is bad, the midwest is just as bad if not worse. Especially in those small ass towns and cities where everybody pretty much knows each other.I mean places like Nebraska, Iowa, and othewr surrounding states. I think as the south changed alot of people went that way to get away from what was happening as if up there would be any different. Okay here is the Youtube Poster whp got the Sundance BrandonTeena Story: http://www.youtube.com/user/uncutrexx.