Is It In Me?

I’ve been thinking of how to put this… I think I’m scarred from past relationships, and the worst break-up, though not the worst relationship ended in 2014, and I just completely got over that one, like, maybe two… three years ago, like 98%. I enjoy sex, I see women and guys I’d like to hook up with, or am curious about actually dating. Currently I feel like I have no sex drive, but it could be the situation I’m in. In a way I still feel the joys and whatnot of dating, however there is this other feeling; not love, maybe lack of feeling. It’s kinda fucked up, since along with being pansexual, I’m also polyamorous- then again; it’s fucked up how hard it is for me to find people to date, much less lay.

I think I’m losing my ability to love. No, I’m not one of those weird Ace people; I still retain normal human things, like a sex drive and physical, sexual attraction to people. I’m just not sure if I can love them anymore. I don’t know what to call it, I’m sure there will be some new age sjw bullshit term for it, if there isn’t one already. I’m not feeling it, sometimes I think I am, other times not so much. I wonder if I am even capable anymore. Even without a sex drive, I see people I wanna fuck, I might even get an erection writing erotica. The funny thing is I might see somebody I have the desire or fantasy about dating, yet I don’t feel any love. I don’t think it’s the current situation either, sometimes I think about past failed relationships, I already have no interest in living with people unless they are my two kids. Maybe this is another paradigm shift, for me mentally. I don’t wanna throw random stuff out that’ll make people think it correlates, when it doesn’t, about other aspects of my life.

On top of what seems like a failing heart; what is the point of pursuing those who’ll never return the favor? Is this some kind of duality, wanting somebody one thinks they can love with the failing ability, who doesn’t want you? I am trying my best to make sense of it all, the desire of people I can’t love, wanting more than simply coitus. Once again, there is nobody to discuss this with personally. I don’t want to do this anymore, all these stacked issues, I’m tired of existing, personally, I don’t want to be here. I can’t find a decent mental state. I’m my own damn curse; pansexual and nobody wants me, polyamorous and can hardly love. Even if I still had the capacity, there’s little use for it, neither does anybody share my desire, on the chance we court. This is falling apart like my life, so I leave it at this.

Ruth Dunn elementary& Virginia P. Carrithers middle

So today I thought I saw a girl from my days at Carrithers middle school. I did, she's working over at an O'Reilly's. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew who I was, somehow everybody remembers me. Hell I remember some girl saying she remembered me from Roselevelt-Perry Elementary. I was surprised I recognized her, I suck with faces and names. I pulled out my middle school year book and looked through it, sure enough, ther she was.

After I looked through those I looked through Dunn's. The only teachers left from my time is Beth Carlton and Ms. Klein-Krat. I think the same Librarian(s) are there. I was working there as asub-Custodian one day. That was one of those rare, once in a lifetime, oh-my-god-theres-a-unicorn, moments. The Jax cried. So many memories came rushing back to my head. I was happy I only had two days there. Funny thing is I was hoping to work at some of my old schools while I was working for JCPS.  I remember Dunn as having nothing but good friends ad a few crushes. I must suck at dates and time alot worse than I thought becaue I always thought I left that place in 1995. If you ever find anything of me talking about Dunn, I'll say I'm 95 Alumni. I'm stupid, I left Dunn in 1999.

I thought about making a list here of all the people I really knew. Aside from a few people, I've never ran in to anyone else but those two people. I don't use my name or publiclly display photos of myself but I will tell you I was in Ms. Bedfords class and then 5th grade year Ms. Carltons and gave her hell. I remember a lot of stuff. Sory to name names but I remember Katie Dixon giving my some [at the time] really cool pencil sharpner as long as I promised not to make fun of her for having diabetes. Now even as a kid I was kinda arrogant and shit, but I can't imagine I was ever that mean to anybody I would consider a friend. I remember when me and Nito used to draw comic books and the time I wasnt at school and Preston got his leg broke. I still say that wouldn't have happened if I was at school that day. I'm sure everybodies doin well and whatnot, probably doin way better than me. I wish they had reunions for elementray schools. Ah dunno one day I  might make a list. not like anybody from Dun will ever run across this blog anyway.

Looking back at Carrithers, I found that life there was even sucker than I imagined. I was no longer the kinda tough guy, nor the one with friends. And then when I found a fuckin friend people started spreding rumors about me being fucking gay. What bullshit is that?! We didnt do anything to even percieve the notion. I know I didn't really fit in, and didnt really try. I wasn't gonna be something I wasn't. I wasn't gay then, but LOL now would be the time to say something. I you want a hint I was in the Explorers trilogy or whatever you call that section of 6th-8th grade of the school. I hung out with Paul Rogenski and  had a crush on Shavon and Ranisha. I hated middle school, nothing was the same as the previous section of school time. I don't know what I could've done to make anyhing better. I don't know who I would owe an appology to or whatnot.

Those were kinda depressing times. Matter of fact that was the start of why I am who I am today. Thats the thing, I'm not ghetto or like to deal with that shit. I didn't care too much about fashion r keep u with alot of music or anything. I was just a fuckin outsider and I hated it. I tried to get in to school shit, I atleast made it to dances. It as partl my mama's fault for not wanting to drive all the way out Jtown. I tried to do the news thing but I kept fucking up so much I got kicked out. I wasn't even doin the shit on purpose. Dunn's the same way I wanted t be there and do other shit. Like I tried to join the boy scouts like twice till I found it useless because nobody else would take me up there. Now that I think about it, I wish we had the money and had the property to live out there. I guess thats one reason I despise the westend. Its one of those things that kept me from what I wanted. That and whatever the hell is wrong with me. I don't know how many times I wanted to die.

I don't know whatelse I could ever add to this right now. There might be another blog entry for that.