I’ve been thinking of how to put this… I think I’m scarred from past relationships, and the worst break-up, though not the worst relationship ended in 2014, and I just completely got over that one, like, maybe two… three years ago, like 98%. I enjoy sex, I see women and guys I’d like to hook up with, or am curious about actually dating. Currently I feel like I have no sex drive, but it could be the situation I’m in. In a way I still feel the joys and whatnot of dating, however there is this other feeling; not love, maybe lack of feeling. It’s kinda fucked up, since along with being pansexual, I’m also polyamorous- then again; it’s fucked up how hard it is for me to find people to date, much less lay.
I think I’m losing my ability to love. No, I’m not one of those weird Ace people; I still retain normal human things, like a sex drive and physical, sexual attraction to people. I’m just not sure if I can love them anymore. I don’t know what to call it, I’m sure there will be some new age sjw bullshit term for it, if there isn’t one already. I’m not feeling it, sometimes I think I am, other times not so much. I wonder if I am even capable anymore. Even without a sex drive, I see people I wanna fuck, I might even get an erection writing erotica. The funny thing is I might see somebody I have the desire or fantasy about dating, yet I don’t feel any love. I don’t think it’s the current situation either, sometimes I think about past failed relationships, I already have no interest in living with people unless they are my two kids. Maybe this is another paradigm shift, for me mentally. I don’t wanna throw random stuff out that’ll make people think it correlates, when it doesn’t, about other aspects of my life.
On top of what seems like a failing heart; what is the point of pursuing those who’ll never return the favor? Is this some kind of duality, wanting somebody one thinks they can love with the failing ability, who doesn’t want you? I am trying my best to make sense of it all, the desire of people I can’t love, wanting more than simply coitus. Once again, there is nobody to discuss this with personally. I don’t want to do this anymore, all these stacked issues, I’m tired of existing, personally, I don’t want to be here. I can’t find a decent mental state. I’m my own damn curse; pansexual and nobody wants me, polyamorous and can hardly love. Even if I still had the capacity, there’s little use for it, neither does anybody share my desire, on the chance we court. This is falling apart like my life, so I leave it at this.
Showing posts with label Who is Jax. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Who is Jax. Show all posts
Monday, May 17, 2021
Friday, December 27, 2019
My favorite Sedans
I've sat and made entry's all about the cars I like or want or whatever. But Ii think I need to break it down for ya. So This one is my top sedans that I like. I always had an affinity for sedans, but they need be rwd or awd.
- Crown Victoria: Last body on frame car in existance, able to seat six and has decent V8 power.For the most part secially being a fleet only vehicle always had a simpleness to it. Aside frrom the later models with adjustable pedals. Too bad it only came with an automatic. A few colors to choose from(litarally like six) one engine/tranny, three grilles, two interior options(cloth/vinyl minus the rubber floor option over carpet) Driven correctly can achieve nearly 30mpg on the highway. Classic conservetive looks. Screw the Marqius and the Town Car the Vic is where it's at.
- Checker Marathon: Talk about Timeless classic looks the Marathon model hadn't been redesigned once in it's run. Why do it, it worked perfectly, there's not another cab I would want to sit in a New York traffic jam in. It's it's own car the only thing it shares wth GM was its drivetrain's which where usually inline and vee sixes. I really need one of these.
- 80s and 91-6 Chevy B Body Caprice. The box and the bath tub. Not the 87-91 with those horrid composite headlights, though. Good thing about the box b body is it's basically an extended g body and all the g body aftermarket and performance stuff bolts right up. The optispark is kinda shitty on the 90s ones, but that's what an LS swap is for. A 9C1 Caprice would be nice to match a P71 Crown Victoria
- 80s Volvo 240: I prefer the wagon, but the sedan is nice, too. They are easy to mod and despite the fan base are track day sleepers. The flying brick. Have a racing history on not just the tarmac, but rallying as well. Like all the other cars on this list; must be black.No chrome.
- 2017 to current(19) Charger: I've always been a Dodge fan, it's the v6/v8 rwd/aws sedan this country needs. I love the look of it, but I can't stand the lack of a manual and all that superfluos crap cars are plagued with these days. It woulda been nice to offer it in a manual(especially the awd). I could even make piece with it lacking a manual, since one with the Challengers ecu could be swapped in. I wish I could ditch the shitty infotainment screen with a single DIN HD/Bluetooth radio. Honorable mention is the same era 300. I think it would be fun to gut it and drop in a cross ram or six pack 440 and a six speed. Gut the dash and kill all that tech inside.
- 05 Impreza STi: It's the generation I like the most and has that beautiful symetrical awd goodness.
- 2002 Galant VR4: I always prefered the look of the Galant to the Lancer, plus twin turbo v6 with awd.
- 90s Toyota Cressida: Very nice full size sedan, will probably take a 1 or 2 JZ, toss a manual in it. It's kinda roomy. Looks great.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Another person trying to be me
This won't be a long post. I just got an email from HIDPlanet forums, saying someone tried to log in to my account, the email provided a IP adress, this one to be percise; 200.232.146.30
I looked it up, and it's some user in Brasil, can't you fucking find something better to do, than try and "hack" people log in credentials just to make comment spam, bottom of the barrel piece of shit. Using my name is one thing, actually trying to hack my shit is something else, you sick fuck. I hope one of those penis fish yall have swims inside you dick, and eats it's interior, lays eggs, and the hatched eggs follows suit.
I looked it up, and it's some user in Brasil, can't you fucking find something better to do, than try and "hack" people log in credentials just to make comment spam, bottom of the barrel piece of shit. Using my name is one thing, actually trying to hack my shit is something else, you sick fuck. I hope one of those penis fish yall have swims inside you dick, and eats it's interior, lays eggs, and the hatched eggs follows suit.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Blocked, Restricted
So, I have thought about removing the adult content filter thingy off my site. It's only on there because of the message boards I have my site linked on and because of the small amount of porn. This site is in a way about me and all that encompasses myself- my personal interest. I think the fact it is listed as having adult content alone is why it is blocked on certain servers. I guess eventually it would be blocked on these servers anyway without it, but I feel that just because there is porn here, it is not a porn site. This site has so much more to give than just porn. Any of it would have to be searched for.
This is what I mean, JCPS has blocked my site. It is the local public school system in which I worked as a substitute custodian. I could post and do everything but view my blog. I was at a T Mobile store recently and on one of the phones or tablets I looked at and bookmarked Stories Of Velocity and tried to do the same to this site and their server blocked this site. The Libraries do it too. People are missing out on things just because they are afraid of the porn that is only 10% of the site. I think this site has a lot to give and I am trying to do so, it shouldn't be blacklisted because of Donita Dunes or Bridgette the Midget. Although I don't post as often as I should, I haven't posted porn in two years. With a hundred and eleven post, not counting this one and some still in draft mode, you really need to look for it.
Report this site safe, Tell your webmasters that like ogres, it's like an onion....or parfait if you will. You want to see my article on those awesome apartments.
This is what I mean, JCPS has blocked my site. It is the local public school system in which I worked as a substitute custodian. I could post and do everything but view my blog. I was at a T Mobile store recently and on one of the phones or tablets I looked at and bookmarked Stories Of Velocity and tried to do the same to this site and their server blocked this site. The Libraries do it too. People are missing out on things just because they are afraid of the porn that is only 10% of the site. I think this site has a lot to give and I am trying to do so, it shouldn't be blacklisted because of Donita Dunes or Bridgette the Midget. Although I don't post as often as I should, I haven't posted porn in two years. With a hundred and eleven post, not counting this one and some still in draft mode, you really need to look for it.
Report this site safe, Tell your webmasters that like ogres, it's like an onion....or parfait if you will. You want to see my article on those awesome apartments.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
The Wiccan Rede for Wiccans
Because I am Wiccan:
Long version;
Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust. Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give. For tread the Circle thrice about to keep unwelcome spirits out. To bind the spell well every time, let the spell be said in rhyme. Light of eye and soft of touch, speak you little, listen much.
Honor the Old Ones in deed and name,
let love and light be our guides again.
Deosil go by the waxing moon,
chanting out the joyful tune.
Widdershins go when the moon doth wane,
and the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane.
When the Lady's moon is new,
kiss the hand to Her times two.
When the moon rides at Her peak
then your heart's desire seek.
Heed the North winds mighty gale,
lock the door and trim the sail.
When the Wind blows from the East,
expect the new and set the feast.
When the wind comes from the South,
love will kiss you on the mouth.
When the wind whispers from the West,
all hearts will find peace and rest.
Nine woods in the Cauldron go,
burn them fast and burn them slow.
Birch wood in the fire goes
to represent what the Lady knows.
Oak in the forest, towers with might
in the fire it brings the God's insight.
Rowan is a tree of power
causing life and magick to flower.
Willows at the waterside stand
ready to help us to the Summerland.
Hawthorn is burned to purify
and to draw faerie to your eye.
Hazel-the tree of wisdom and learning-
adds its strength to the bright fire burning.
White are the flowers of Apple tree
that brings us fruits of fertility.
Grapes grow upon the vine
giving us both joy and wine.
Fir does mark the evergreen
to represent immortality seen.
But - Elder is the Lady's tree
burn it not or cursed you'll be.
Four times the Major Sabbats mark
in the light and in the dark.
As the old year starts to wane
the new begins, it's now Samhain.
When the time for Imbolg shows
watch for flowers through the snows.
When the wheel begins to turn
soon the Beltane fires will burn.
As the wheel turns to Lammas night
power is brought to magick rite.
Four times the Minor Sabbats fall
use the Sun to mark them all.
When the wheel has turned to Yule
light the log the Horned One rules.
In the spring, when night equals day
time for Ostara to come our way.
When the Sun has reached it's height
time for Oak and Holly to fight.
Harvesting comes to one and all
when the Autumn Equinox does fall.
Heed the flower, bush, and tree
By the Lady blessed you'll be.
Where the rippling waters go
cast a stone, the truth you'll know.
When you have and hold a need,
harken not to others greed.
With a fool no season spend
Lest you be counted as his friend.
Merry Meet and Merry Part
bright the cheeks and warm the heart.
Mind the Three-fold Laws you should
three times bad and three times good.
When misfortune is enow
wear the star upon your brow.
True in love you must ever be
unless your love is false to thee.
Eight words the Rede fulfil
"An' ye harm none, do what ye wilt".
Long version;
Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust. Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give. For tread the Circle thrice about to keep unwelcome spirits out. To bind the spell well every time, let the spell be said in rhyme. Light of eye and soft of touch, speak you little, listen much.
Dreams: What could they really be?
I often consider dreaming to be waking up and the act of dreaming is
either another life or sometimes in my opinion the preferred one. Much
can be said for the way i dream. Not every dream but most of them are in
one way reoccurring. I don't have actual reoccurring dreams, but dreams
where I am in my minds version or alternate version of the city I live
in. I'm constantly trying to find the best way to explain this. I live
in Louisville, Ky, when I have one of these dreams of series, I'm going
about my business in what my brain is perceiving as Louisville, KY. The
Aegon Center may have a pyramid top versus the dome, or St. Matthews
mall may be nearly the size of the Mall of America. The city is always
this mental variant and I always know what part of town or place I am
at. One dream I was in one of our projects(Beecher Terrace) and although
looking nothing like it actually does, I knew I was there.
I enjoy these dreams, because it's like when I lay down to go to sleep, I'm actually waking up, possibly just daydreaming about what we percieve as our actual reality and that reality is actually my own. Perhaps they could be glimpses at past lives or a life to be lived next, or even where we will be in death. Dying just to live again somewhere else, religion aside, wouldn't it seem more feasible to die and end up in your dream world as your next paradigm versus the good or bad place of whatever religion you may have? Or your dreams could be showing you that good or bad place... reality you may go to next, which is why there is dreams and nightmares. If that is true, then is it the higher power or your own personal Karma that'll ultimately decide your placement? There are other planes of existence and I wouldn't mind staying in the one my mind show me the most. The only other dream I've had that wasn't exactly sequential to the rest is where I happened to be a woman, and that wasn't all that bad either, I was sexy as hell.
I wrote that here on C-D. I've had similar discussions with my friends before. My girlfriend has said she has had some vivid dreams, and that they were images of past and possibly future lives of hers. Another theory of time not being linear as well, but that is another post. I believe that dreams are windows that may open to an alternate reality or paradigm. That future life she saw was probably one of her alternative lifes in it's own dimension running concurrently with this paradigm we exist in. There is a thing called paradigm shift, there are things called retrogrades and crossing of realities. A simple dream, could be a transdimensional window providing a vivid picture of any past life, or currently active other lives one is living at the same time. Another example is she also told me is once before her and a few of our friends had the exact same dream, same time, same night. They talked about it, it seemed to be a post-apocalyptic world where they were soldiers of resistance, she was doing things there would be no chance of her doing in this reality. Everything added up, the dream I believe was semi lucid. Her conscience was partially transferred to her other self. Her body was on autopilot as she didn't need to question anything she was doing. Transdimensional portal to another place she and they currently exist.
There are multiple realities or "worlds," time is a forever thing, honestly a man-made thing, but as we perceive it- a thing that never ends, a vector, in fact. It is very much possible to live lifes at the same time because there at some point in time in any existence, there probably is or was, or will be a you there. We may never really understand dreams. They can be windows to other places, things of your deep sub-conscience...or our minds playing tricks on us.
I enjoy these dreams, because it's like when I lay down to go to sleep, I'm actually waking up, possibly just daydreaming about what we percieve as our actual reality and that reality is actually my own. Perhaps they could be glimpses at past lives or a life to be lived next, or even where we will be in death. Dying just to live again somewhere else, religion aside, wouldn't it seem more feasible to die and end up in your dream world as your next paradigm versus the good or bad place of whatever religion you may have? Or your dreams could be showing you that good or bad place... reality you may go to next, which is why there is dreams and nightmares. If that is true, then is it the higher power or your own personal Karma that'll ultimately decide your placement? There are other planes of existence and I wouldn't mind staying in the one my mind show me the most. The only other dream I've had that wasn't exactly sequential to the rest is where I happened to be a woman, and that wasn't all that bad either, I was sexy as hell.
I wrote that here on C-D. I've had similar discussions with my friends before. My girlfriend has said she has had some vivid dreams, and that they were images of past and possibly future lives of hers. Another theory of time not being linear as well, but that is another post. I believe that dreams are windows that may open to an alternate reality or paradigm. That future life she saw was probably one of her alternative lifes in it's own dimension running concurrently with this paradigm we exist in. There is a thing called paradigm shift, there are things called retrogrades and crossing of realities. A simple dream, could be a transdimensional window providing a vivid picture of any past life, or currently active other lives one is living at the same time. Another example is she also told me is once before her and a few of our friends had the exact same dream, same time, same night. They talked about it, it seemed to be a post-apocalyptic world where they were soldiers of resistance, she was doing things there would be no chance of her doing in this reality. Everything added up, the dream I believe was semi lucid. Her conscience was partially transferred to her other self. Her body was on autopilot as she didn't need to question anything she was doing. Transdimensional portal to another place she and they currently exist.
There are multiple realities or "worlds," time is a forever thing, honestly a man-made thing, but as we perceive it- a thing that never ends, a vector, in fact. It is very much possible to live lifes at the same time because there at some point in time in any existence, there probably is or was, or will be a you there. We may never really understand dreams. They can be windows to other places, things of your deep sub-conscience...or our minds playing tricks on us.
Monday, January 13, 2014
The world is now 2014 years old!
Joking, I'm not blessed to be so daftly stupid like those one Twitter and Facebook. There is however a new blog. Stories of Velocity is new for 2014, you will be able to find all my stories there. If you've been reading Zerophila here, look foward to a better version over there. All my current work in Velocity will be there, and maybe, jusy maybe some other things. All the story info like characters amd city info, synopsis, etc. will be there. Head on ober, highway 265 & 264 both go right through it.
Friday, December 6, 2013
My sites
So here is a list of websites I'm on. The ones I can remember anyway:
- Myspace
- Blackplanet
- Four Eyed Pride
- Ford-Truck
- Full Size Bronco
- Full Size Chevy
- Stangnet
- Mighty Mustangs
- 502 Streetscene
- S-Series
- Cardomain
- Otakubards
- Gorillaz Forums
- Deviant Art
- Velo Space
- Project Playlist
- The Corral
- BGC Live
- Hung Angels
- Chubby Parade
- Crown Vic.net
- Fox Body Forum
- Moped Army
- Louisville Mustangs
- Diesel Bombers
- Motored Bikes
- 502 Underground
- Writing.com
- Literotica
- FurAffinity
- MocoSpace
- Brewhause Forums
- Yahoo groups
New blog
Yep, one more. I plan on posting all of my stories on a new blog. whatever's on here will stay but will be moved as well as additional stories of Velocity posted on there. It's not up yet but it will be and I will try and put more here there were things I've been wanting to write about, I just can't never find the time to actually write anything on here. At some point it will resume, I know I said I was going to at least post one thing a month, well I at least hope to get something worth posting before the end of the year.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Life
Yes. I am back, life has severely gotten in the way with another kid and a new apartment away from my evil ex. Yall should see my new-new shiny girlfriend- that's right, this awesome new chick we will call her Sparrow for confidentiality. I've spent some time I trying to get some free oipen wi-fi, since my phone is busted. At least today and behold at a friends hotel room. I know I said last time I will try and at least make a post a month and this probably won't be the last time you hear...errr...read that. So farewell for now. I'll try and squeeze this back in my life.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Imposter
So, I've been searching myself on Google. I've found out somebody has been slowly been impersonating me. There's only one Jax Rhapsody. I've found two instances so far. How do I know it's not me? Because this site isn't linked in my name. And the way the guy talks. Some of this is recent like this site here: http://www.awesome-autos.com/2011/09/20/my-ford-explorer-surges-and-stalls-at-stop-lights/
This is the second one here: http://carbloging.com/2011/09/06/first-car-help-me-choose/ This guy is obviously non-american speaking of "tyres" and suggesting anything front wheel drive.
This is just what I have so far. I will be doing some more searching till I can find this guy or guy's.
This is the second one here: http://carbloging.com/2011/09/06/first-car-help-me-choose/ This guy is obviously non-american speaking of "tyres" and suggesting anything front wheel drive.
This is just what I have so far. I will be doing some more searching till I can find this guy or guy's.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Ruth Dunn elementary& Virginia P. Carrithers middle
So today I thought I saw a girl from my days at Carrithers middle school. I did, she's working over at an O'Reilly's. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew who I was, somehow everybody remembers me. Hell I remember some girl saying she remembered me from Roselevelt-Perry Elementary. I was surprised I recognized her, I suck with faces and names. I pulled out my middle school year book and looked through it, sure enough, ther she was.
After I looked through those I looked through Dunn's. The only teachers left from my time is Beth Carlton and Ms. Klein-Krat. I think the same Librarian(s) are there. I was working there as asub-Custodian one day. That was one of those rare, once in a lifetime, oh-my-god-theres-a-unicorn, moments. The Jax cried. So many memories came rushing back to my head. I was happy I only had two days there. Funny thing is I was hoping to work at some of my old schools while I was working for JCPS. I remember Dunn as having nothing but good friends ad a few crushes. I must suck at dates and time alot worse than I thought becaue I always thought I left that place in 1995. If you ever find anything of me talking about Dunn, I'll say I'm 95 Alumni. I'm stupid, I left Dunn in 1999.
I thought about making a list here of all the people I really knew. Aside from a few people, I've never ran in to anyone else but those two people. I don't use my name or publiclly display photos of myself but I will tell you I was in Ms. Bedfords class and then 5th grade year Ms. Carltons and gave her hell. I remember a lot of stuff. Sory to name names but I remember Katie Dixon giving my some [at the time] really cool pencil sharpner as long as I promised not to make fun of her for having diabetes. Now even as a kid I was kinda arrogant and shit, but I can't imagine I was ever that mean to anybody I would consider a friend. I remember when me and Nito used to draw comic books and the time I wasnt at school and Preston got his leg broke. I still say that wouldn't have happened if I was at school that day. I'm sure everybodies doin well and whatnot, probably doin way better than me. I wish they had reunions for elementray schools. Ah dunno one day I might make a list. not like anybody from Dun will ever run across this blog anyway.
Looking back at Carrithers, I found that life there was even sucker than I imagined. I was no longer the kinda tough guy, nor the one with friends. And then when I found a fuckin friend people started spreding rumors about me being fucking gay. What bullshit is that?! We didnt do anything to even percieve the notion. I know I didn't really fit in, and didnt really try. I wasn't gonna be something I wasn't. I wasn't gay then, but LOL now would be the time to say something. I you want a hint I was in the Explorers trilogy or whatever you call that section of 6th-8th grade of the school. I hung out with Paul Rogenski and had a crush on Shavon and Ranisha. I hated middle school, nothing was the same as the previous section of school time. I don't know what I could've done to make anyhing better. I don't know who I would owe an appology to or whatnot.
Those were kinda depressing times. Matter of fact that was the start of why I am who I am today. Thats the thing, I'm not ghetto or like to deal with that shit. I didn't care too much about fashion r keep u with alot of music or anything. I was just a fuckin outsider and I hated it. I tried to get in to school shit, I atleast made it to dances. It as partl my mama's fault for not wanting to drive all the way out Jtown. I tried to do the news thing but I kept fucking up so much I got kicked out. I wasn't even doin the shit on purpose. Dunn's the same way I wanted t be there and do other shit. Like I tried to join the boy scouts like twice till I found it useless because nobody else would take me up there. Now that I think about it, I wish we had the money and had the property to live out there. I guess thats one reason I despise the westend. Its one of those things that kept me from what I wanted. That and whatever the hell is wrong with me. I don't know how many times I wanted to die.
I don't know whatelse I could ever add to this right now. There might be another blog entry for that.
After I looked through those I looked through Dunn's. The only teachers left from my time is Beth Carlton and Ms. Klein-Krat. I think the same Librarian(s) are there. I was working there as asub-Custodian one day. That was one of those rare, once in a lifetime, oh-my-god-theres-a-unicorn, moments. The Jax cried. So many memories came rushing back to my head. I was happy I only had two days there. Funny thing is I was hoping to work at some of my old schools while I was working for JCPS. I remember Dunn as having nothing but good friends ad a few crushes. I must suck at dates and time alot worse than I thought becaue I always thought I left that place in 1995. If you ever find anything of me talking about Dunn, I'll say I'm 95 Alumni. I'm stupid, I left Dunn in 1999.
I thought about making a list here of all the people I really knew. Aside from a few people, I've never ran in to anyone else but those two people. I don't use my name or publiclly display photos of myself but I will tell you I was in Ms. Bedfords class and then 5th grade year Ms. Carltons and gave her hell. I remember a lot of stuff. Sory to name names but I remember Katie Dixon giving my some [at the time] really cool pencil sharpner as long as I promised not to make fun of her for having diabetes. Now even as a kid I was kinda arrogant and shit, but I can't imagine I was ever that mean to anybody I would consider a friend. I remember when me and Nito used to draw comic books and the time I wasnt at school and Preston got his leg broke. I still say that wouldn't have happened if I was at school that day. I'm sure everybodies doin well and whatnot, probably doin way better than me. I wish they had reunions for elementray schools. Ah dunno one day I might make a list. not like anybody from Dun will ever run across this blog anyway.
Looking back at Carrithers, I found that life there was even sucker than I imagined. I was no longer the kinda tough guy, nor the one with friends. And then when I found a fuckin friend people started spreding rumors about me being fucking gay. What bullshit is that?! We didnt do anything to even percieve the notion. I know I didn't really fit in, and didnt really try. I wasn't gonna be something I wasn't. I wasn't gay then, but LOL now would be the time to say something. I you want a hint I was in the Explorers trilogy or whatever you call that section of 6th-8th grade of the school. I hung out with Paul Rogenski and had a crush on Shavon and Ranisha. I hated middle school, nothing was the same as the previous section of school time. I don't know what I could've done to make anyhing better. I don't know who I would owe an appology to or whatnot.
Those were kinda depressing times. Matter of fact that was the start of why I am who I am today. Thats the thing, I'm not ghetto or like to deal with that shit. I didn't care too much about fashion r keep u with alot of music or anything. I was just a fuckin outsider and I hated it. I tried to get in to school shit, I atleast made it to dances. It as partl my mama's fault for not wanting to drive all the way out Jtown. I tried to do the news thing but I kept fucking up so much I got kicked out. I wasn't even doin the shit on purpose. Dunn's the same way I wanted t be there and do other shit. Like I tried to join the boy scouts like twice till I found it useless because nobody else would take me up there. Now that I think about it, I wish we had the money and had the property to live out there. I guess thats one reason I despise the westend. Its one of those things that kept me from what I wanted. That and whatever the hell is wrong with me. I don't know how many times I wanted to die.
I don't know whatelse I could ever add to this right now. There might be another blog entry for that.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Reality Sucks
They say the grass is always greener on the other side. The actual meaning is that of what you want is not always as good as what you had. I beg to fuckin differ. I don't know what it is(I do) but ever since I was a kid I always day dreamed about being a character on whatever show I liked to watch. Id rather be a character on a show than the kid/man beinf the Jax. When I was naive an believing god I used to say when i was my time to be back, I'd rather be a character on the Tenchi Series. I don't know what it is but everything seems to be easier to do, goals achieved and dreams followed. I day dream myself to sleep and when I dream most of the time it's like I'm waking up. Why? Because alot of them focus on my life in this alteranate dream Louisville.
I think I've talked about my obsession with the show Daria. The state I was in a few years back when I got the DVD box set and finished watching it. How much wished I was a character on there(And still do) and got to get with her. Some of you might not know the show, And of those who did but didn't like it-you didn't watch it enough. To see the character development. Daria was sorta a late bloomer and I don't think even Jane undestood it very well. Anyway, I felt like I understood her more than anyone else. I started writing a fan fiction about her in college where we meet. I can't find it. Never the less even if not much ever happens in Lawndale aside from the physical interpertations of holidays I'd be fine at the bar or club listening to Mystic Spiral. Eating pizza and chasing people off with dry sarcasm. Despite having a family and all that good stuff, I just don't think I belong here. Nor do I want to. Hell I even caught myself trying to put myself in the Scott Pilgrim manga.
It's not that my life is stressfull, or anything. Aside from the fact Ican't find a damn job. But I think the desire to have friends is a part of it. I just don't want to be here. I don't really know what to say...
I think I've talked about my obsession with the show Daria. The state I was in a few years back when I got the DVD box set and finished watching it. How much wished I was a character on there(And still do) and got to get with her. Some of you might not know the show, And of those who did but didn't like it-you didn't watch it enough. To see the character development. Daria was sorta a late bloomer and I don't think even Jane undestood it very well. Anyway, I felt like I understood her more than anyone else. I started writing a fan fiction about her in college where we meet. I can't find it. Never the less even if not much ever happens in Lawndale aside from the physical interpertations of holidays I'd be fine at the bar or club listening to Mystic Spiral. Eating pizza and chasing people off with dry sarcasm. Despite having a family and all that good stuff, I just don't think I belong here. Nor do I want to. Hell I even caught myself trying to put myself in the Scott Pilgrim manga.
It's not that my life is stressfull, or anything. Aside from the fact Ican't find a damn job. But I think the desire to have friends is a part of it. I just don't want to be here. I don't really know what to say...
Monday, April 25, 2011
Can I Has Internetz?
I finally have internet again! Yay me! So you can look forward to more shit at a quicker time.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
A few stories
So Heres a few stories I'm writing. I might post them here or my new blog Ah dunno. But Some of them I intend to make in to a book and the others I'm writing specifically for BGC Live.
Rayne Falls: Is about a college student in Velocity Ky who is a star racer trying to keep his tittle till he can go pro with the help of his friends and his new boyfriend. I''m writing this on just for BGC Live
Return of Black Vulcan: Statics having trouble with Livewire and a hero from the past returns to help. I hope to send this to D.C.
Devils Advocate: A womans raped by a mysterious creature in a Highlands dumpster in Louisville, KY and the child now in miccle school has to deal with night terrors and an anger problem in school. This is also for BGC Live but it's also the only story I've written that takes place in Louisville, so far.
Zerophilia: Duh
Malice In Wonderland: I figure Alice In Wonderland and a few other stories are the perfect platform for something really dark, so I'm trying my best to keep it dark and keep my self out of holes and corners.
Street Rhapsody: Been writting this since high school. It involves including as many writing styles that I knew of at the time including comic.
I plan to try and get MIW and SR Published. Hopefully DC will use ROBV as an idea. So this is what I've been doing
Rayne Falls: Is about a college student in Velocity Ky who is a star racer trying to keep his tittle till he can go pro with the help of his friends and his new boyfriend. I''m writing this on just for BGC Live
Return of Black Vulcan: Statics having trouble with Livewire and a hero from the past returns to help. I hope to send this to D.C.
Devils Advocate: A womans raped by a mysterious creature in a Highlands dumpster in Louisville, KY and the child now in miccle school has to deal with night terrors and an anger problem in school. This is also for BGC Live but it's also the only story I've written that takes place in Louisville, so far.
Zerophilia: Duh
Malice In Wonderland: I figure Alice In Wonderland and a few other stories are the perfect platform for something really dark, so I'm trying my best to keep it dark and keep my self out of holes and corners.
Street Rhapsody: Been writting this since high school. It involves including as many writing styles that I knew of at the time including comic.
I plan to try and get MIW and SR Published. Hopefully DC will use ROBV as an idea. So this is what I've been doing
Saturday, March 26, 2011
B-day
So my b-day was March 21 and honestly i give no fucks about birthdays. There's only a few b-days worth celebrating and the fact most people don't remember when mine is or how old I am furthur presses my give no fucks attitude. To me it's just another day.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Bisexual
So if you don't know I am bisexual. I feel my bisexuality goes a lil deeper than most though. I'll get into that as this goes along though. What makes me bisexual and why I often feel the way I feel. I believe I was in high school when I found out I was bisexual. I came out in MSN's LGYouth Chat chatroom back in the early 2000's. Those where the good old days. I could spend hours in that chatroom and the Louisville1 or 2 chatroom . I've thought about my past and sometimes I'd have an epiphany. Like one day I got that weird ass feeling I used to get as a kid like an orgasm type feeling, it's hard to explain. It might have been a feeling I got when I was attracted to someone, can't remember. There was other encounters and experiments. Like when I first discovered internet porn and started to get attracted to shemales. I guess my staying in the closet and being bisexual has kept me from being gay bashed- funny thing is and I don't know if I'd consider this gay bashing or not but in middle school I was made fun of for hanging out with this geeky like dude. I hadn't any friends(different story) till I started hanging out with him. Now that I have a friend I'm a fag all of a sudden?
Anywho, I gave it a lot of thought when I came out to myself. If I could even live with myself, not in a ashamed way, more like am I being true to myself. I honestly never considered myself gay or bi because I like transexuals. I wanted to make sure the feelings I were having was real. I started to think about shit thats happened to me or I've done. As time passed on and I had my first girlfriend her name was Korina, I remember her saying she wouldn't date anybody bisexual, so I never told her. The sex was pretty decent, I wish I knew then what I knew now. I never told my next girlfriend, Patrica(a friend of Korina) either. That relationship was ended because my next girlfriend, Mary, who was a friend of her's told me what she was doing. I told her and she was fine with it, she was also white. I had a boyfriend in high school but I don't think I was ready for a boy friend, so it didn't work out. Of course I never told my family, I don't need that shit. Somehow though my sister Penny found out and this was before me and my nephew Dre got in to that argument where he brought up Texas, the first transexual I ever met.
I feel like I'm starting to go off on a related but completely different tangent. So I remember when I was a kid I would put on my mama's pads. I tried her bra on once. this was way before high school. But in high school with g/f #3 I tried on her underwear and they fit. I was pleased with myself . So I started having these female tendancies, kinda. I cross my legs sometimes when I sit, I often "switch" when I walk. Often I will be standing a feminine akimbo. There's also an attraction to straight guys more so than gay ones. Then I remember one night I was with my current fiance who was a girlfriend at the time when we over her sisters watching some special on kids who think they are born in the wrong body. I don't feel that way but often wish I was a girl. One of her sisters is gay and the other bi, so I kinda fit right in. I believe there's a feminine side in me, I don't show it much- at all. I seem to be one of the most macho guys you'd ever meet. Of course being bi and not gay, I'm not one to be flaming anyway. I had this dream once(might have posted it here) where I was a girl and I was in this apartment with some friends an we was playing a game. I flashed them my ass and the guys started chasing me around this apartment pulling at my clothes to come off. I remember I was 5'7, pretty thick like Raven-Simon or Kyla Pratt but with DD's. Middle back length hair, and a nice fat ass. I've never had a related dream since. I had drawn some pictures of me as a girl. It seemed like a night time epiphany.
I figure what makes me bisexual is a imbalance of testosterone and estrogen. I may have a tad more estrogen in my body than most guys, even gay guys. To keep it simple there's a woman inside this man. I'm not in the best of shape, so I have like a-cup moobs. I want to get in shape but on the same note I wish I could start taking hormones. I'm sure I wouldn't be as hot as I was in my dream. but if I could change at will I would. Part of the reason I love the movie Zerophilia and wrote the story. Sometimes when having sex with a transexual I'd fall into the feminine role when bottoming. I guess I'm mentally intersexed or something? I actually never thought about cross dressing(I mean like going furthur than a womans under wears) till about a few months ago. I guess thats all there is to it. Or atleast all here can be for you innerwebz strangers without Q/A.
Anywho, I gave it a lot of thought when I came out to myself. If I could even live with myself, not in a ashamed way, more like am I being true to myself. I honestly never considered myself gay or bi because I like transexuals. I wanted to make sure the feelings I were having was real. I started to think about shit thats happened to me or I've done. As time passed on and I had my first girlfriend her name was Korina, I remember her saying she wouldn't date anybody bisexual, so I never told her. The sex was pretty decent, I wish I knew then what I knew now. I never told my next girlfriend, Patrica(a friend of Korina) either. That relationship was ended because my next girlfriend, Mary, who was a friend of her's told me what she was doing. I told her and she was fine with it, she was also white. I had a boyfriend in high school but I don't think I was ready for a boy friend, so it didn't work out. Of course I never told my family, I don't need that shit. Somehow though my sister Penny found out and this was before me and my nephew Dre got in to that argument where he brought up Texas, the first transexual I ever met.
I feel like I'm starting to go off on a related but completely different tangent. So I remember when I was a kid I would put on my mama's pads. I tried her bra on once. this was way before high school. But in high school with g/f #3 I tried on her underwear and they fit. I was pleased with myself . So I started having these female tendancies, kinda. I cross my legs sometimes when I sit, I often "switch" when I walk. Often I will be standing a feminine akimbo. There's also an attraction to straight guys more so than gay ones. Then I remember one night I was with my current fiance who was a girlfriend at the time when we over her sisters watching some special on kids who think they are born in the wrong body. I don't feel that way but often wish I was a girl. One of her sisters is gay and the other bi, so I kinda fit right in. I believe there's a feminine side in me, I don't show it much- at all. I seem to be one of the most macho guys you'd ever meet. Of course being bi and not gay, I'm not one to be flaming anyway. I had this dream once(might have posted it here) where I was a girl and I was in this apartment with some friends an we was playing a game. I flashed them my ass and the guys started chasing me around this apartment pulling at my clothes to come off. I remember I was 5'7, pretty thick like Raven-Simon or Kyla Pratt but with DD's. Middle back length hair, and a nice fat ass. I've never had a related dream since. I had drawn some pictures of me as a girl. It seemed like a night time epiphany.
I figure what makes me bisexual is a imbalance of testosterone and estrogen. I may have a tad more estrogen in my body than most guys, even gay guys. To keep it simple there's a woman inside this man. I'm not in the best of shape, so I have like a-cup moobs. I want to get in shape but on the same note I wish I could start taking hormones. I'm sure I wouldn't be as hot as I was in my dream. but if I could change at will I would. Part of the reason I love the movie Zerophilia and wrote the story. Sometimes when having sex with a transexual I'd fall into the feminine role when bottoming. I guess I'm mentally intersexed or something? I actually never thought about cross dressing(I mean like going furthur than a womans under wears) till about a few months ago. I guess thats all there is to it. Or atleast all here can be for you innerwebz strangers without Q/A.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Have ideas, will travel
Hey, I feel as if my readers need to speak out. I mean if theres something out there you want me to check out or cover let me know. Thats why I have added an email address just for this very thing. rhapsodiclaviathan@mail.com Send your shit there.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Dream Sequence: Aug 28 2010
Sigh, I had such a wonderful dream some nights back. Even the fact it ended with fail doesn't outwiegh all the win. I was laying with my most likely shemale girlfriend. We were in my bed. Which in alter louisville(Alternate Louisville, If I keep writing my dreams I may hafta explain this alter-louisville as in how it appears in my dreams vs reality) is facing the wall infront of the door(West wall) and a couch or somthing(can't remember) on the wall my bed is, in reality. We were laying there under the covers kissing, all nude. She was sexy. White, blond shoulder length hair. An amazing body- all nice and fit with a six-pack. It's like she's a fitness trainer or something. Large D-cups, grey eyes with a soft round face. God I'm getting horny thinking about this. It's kinda hard to explain her face, almost like Anna Paquin, her eyes besides being grey, were just like Anna's. Nice hour-glass figure with hips not too wide, just enough to distinguish and notice the hour-glass. A beautiful 6½ inch dick(Oh god, fap fap fap) that looked like it never had pubic hair. The tip just slightly rose colored from a standing errection.
We were kissing and talking and smiling. I can't remember what we were talking about, it had to be romantical in some wimsical way. I remember laying on top of her, dicks touching. We were kissing, I was kissing her neck, her chest against mine. I leant up to look at her to see a pleasant look with a slight smile(not a smirk) on those kissable lips. Those beautiful eye's. I was so star-gazed. She started to point to something. I had no clue. I turn around to see John(my step-dad yes in real life) sneeking behind the couch to walk up beside the bed. Probably to bug us no doubt. For some reason I moved to lay beside her and scramble to get the cover we had thrown off of us. I remember stuffing some over her crotch. I think I had covered up her tits and my crotch too. Then I woke up.
This is funny, becauise he didn't seem upset or mad, or anything of the sort. It makes me wonder. In real live he has a gay son, I am in the closet with my bisexuality. He nor my mama agrees with it. Him more than her since she went to his wedding in NY. Anyway, I'm more curious to what appeared to be an accepting nature. Was I out, was this an everyday thing to find me having sex or did he know she was a tgirl? I seemed rather more embarrased than annoyed. I actually don't get embarrased easily, I think it was just a reflex to hide the nude body of your girlfriend, when a peson who has never and probably shouldn't see her nude. The actions made it seem so commonplace that covering her up was probably more instinct than neccesary. Even with this fail moment and the fact she's strictly a figment of my imagination(Sigh), it was still so much win. Like most of my good dreams which rarely happen with the few dreams I have, out of the ones I remember(I don't know if I've forgotten some) rarelly almost never are there continuations. Like the one I had where I was a chick. Why can't I ever produce part twos and threes and be aware I'm dreaming as to control it? Sigh...
We were kissing and talking and smiling. I can't remember what we were talking about, it had to be romantical in some wimsical way. I remember laying on top of her, dicks touching. We were kissing, I was kissing her neck, her chest against mine. I leant up to look at her to see a pleasant look with a slight smile(not a smirk) on those kissable lips. Those beautiful eye's. I was so star-gazed. She started to point to something. I had no clue. I turn around to see John(my step-dad yes in real life) sneeking behind the couch to walk up beside the bed. Probably to bug us no doubt. For some reason I moved to lay beside her and scramble to get the cover we had thrown off of us. I remember stuffing some over her crotch. I think I had covered up her tits and my crotch too. Then I woke up.
This is funny, becauise he didn't seem upset or mad, or anything of the sort. It makes me wonder. In real live he has a gay son, I am in the closet with my bisexuality. He nor my mama agrees with it. Him more than her since she went to his wedding in NY. Anyway, I'm more curious to what appeared to be an accepting nature. Was I out, was this an everyday thing to find me having sex or did he know she was a tgirl? I seemed rather more embarrased than annoyed. I actually don't get embarrased easily, I think it was just a reflex to hide the nude body of your girlfriend, when a peson who has never and probably shouldn't see her nude. The actions made it seem so commonplace that covering her up was probably more instinct than neccesary. Even with this fail moment and the fact she's strictly a figment of my imagination(Sigh), it was still so much win. Like most of my good dreams which rarely happen with the few dreams I have, out of the ones I remember(I don't know if I've forgotten some) rarelly almost never are there continuations. Like the one I had where I was a chick. Why can't I ever produce part twos and threes and be aware I'm dreaming as to control it? Sigh...
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
In the works
Okay heres what I've been planning while I take a break from that character bio stuff. I''m bringing back the Black Vulcan because I love Detective Comics. I feel some poetry may lighten the mood. A book review for the Scott Pilgrimseries, thats big now. Kinda. And this isn't for this site but I intend on updating Roxannes Cardomain page. I had another story idea, I can't eremember, so like ah dunno. I don't want this to turn into some writing site, it's supossed to be all kinds of shit on here. Oh yeah and I got a midget porn review thingy too, I gotta upload. Okay so thats like all for now, I guess.
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